Mid-Summer Movie Reviews


HANCOCK

Best Scene: That one when it showed Will Smith making a sassy, urban remark.

Worst Scene: That one when the camera wasn’t zoomed in on Will Smith’s face.

Ebert Says: “The first half of this movie had me sprouting proverbial boners all over the place, but I rode into the credits at half-mast.”

Will Says: Hancock is the type of movie you WANT to be good. Like Honey Bunches of Oats, Hancock had all the right ingredients to be a huge hit: action, comedy, Will Smith, Will Smith’s face, and Will Smith’s enviably fresh style. But just like riding the Titanic, watching Hancock is fun for a while and then kind of sucks. In the end, Hancock is the type of movie that will buy you a new baseball glove for Christmas but won’t be in the stands when you make the final catch in the big game.

Grade: Hancock, be grateful I’m only giving you a B-. And I’m telling your advisor.

WALL-E

Best Scene: That one when the robots kept bumping into each oth—HANCOCK DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A VILLAIN! How can you make a superhero movie without a bad guy? It’s like someone at Sony said, “listen, guys, let’s just make an entire movie out of romantic filler and shots of the superhero NOT using his powers.” Sorry, back to Toy Story 4 or whatever.

Best Scene: That one when that robot did that cute thing and the other one made that cute noise.

Worst Scene: There. Are. No. Bad. Scenes. In. A. Pixar. Movie.

Ebert Says: “Blah cute blah parents enjoy it too blah beautiful graphics blah.”

Will Says: Note to Pixar: WE GET IT. You’re the annoying girl who spends too much money on all your class projects of the movie-making industry. You make elaborate cartoons that are cute for little kids but have dialogue that will make flocking, rich white parents chuckle. It’s called innuendo; you didn’t invent it. Stop doing the same thing over and over again. If I want to hear some funny adult jokes I’ll see a funny adult movie. You don’t have to keep force-feeding me sex jokes through the faces of baby animals—IT’S WEIRD!

Grade: Raw score was a D+, but with the Pixar curve it gets, of course, an A. God.

THE LOVE GURU

Best Scene: That one where Mike Myers looked at the camera and laughed at his own joke (at least someone did).

Worst Scene: Despite how bad the jokes were in this movie, the worst scene was still the one where I had to watch hockey.

Ebert Says: “Can I at least have a glass of water?”

Will Says: “No. Keep writing.”

Grade: A+ just so Mike Myers won’t hate himself.

AT A GLANCE

Wanted – sucked.

Kung Fu Panda – OK.

The Incredible Hulk – I liked it better the first time I saw it, when it was called, “The Incredible Hulk.” Didn’t this movie just come out? You can do that?


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