by Alex King

On Heroes everyone and their grandmother have stupendous superpowers, like flight, teleportation, or weird black tears that kill everyone. The show’s canon explains this as a natural evolution of the human race- people are just evolving these superpowers. Well, evolution is an inexact process, and for every one cheerleader with healing abilities, there are like twenty with hideous eye stalks or glow in the dark teeth. Below are a list of characters who missed the genetic wheel of fortune.

Jonathan Kingsley – Can move freely through any object, if made solely out of zirconium
Akiko Nurimoto – Regenerates mild cuts and bruises
Charles Heath – Always loses at craps
Peggy Clarington – Fingernails grow at an alarming rate
Rob Tane – Can hear dog whistles
Sean Brown – Able to turn invisible, but only if no one is watching
Elizabeth Lee – Can talk to chinchillas
Mary Cogburn – Possess no appendix
Enlai Ng – Superhuman cooking abilities
Vivek Patel – Believes in ghosts
Max Greene – Doesn’t get addicted to prescription sleep medication
Larry Axel – Can hear the songs other people have stuck in their heads
Zack Fletcher – Can travel through time but only in 10 million year intervals
Moe Weller – Underwater moonwalking
Ashley Smith – Immune to cholera
Brittany Rachels – Can guess anyone’s weight and age with perfect accuracy
Alfred Rewes – Can predict the past
Veronica Ipswich – Has hands for feet and feet for hands
Jorge Diaz – Can turn any liquid into sangria
Thomas Craine – Can shoot infrared lasers from his eyes, that are invisible to the naked eye