by Jonathan Weinblatt
Ever wanted to know what happens at the most well disguised spots on campus?
The ARCH building
This palace of brick is the proud home of SURF, which of course stands for Surfing Undergraduate Research Fellowships. If you want to go to Hawaii and don’t want to teach underprivileged youths for two years, ask for a surfing grant. Just tell the advisor that it’s a far off island, that you speak the local language, and that you plan to write a dissertation at some point on the native culture. See, that’s almost completely true. Besides being the home of SURF, the ARCH building is the evil headquarters of the Archenemies of Archetypal Archdiocese Archery … dance troupe.
The public library at 40th and Walnut
What?! There’s a third library within the Penn grid? No, it’s not in Marathon, Fro Gro or McDonalds. Yep, that other corner. This library holds the distinction of being the only ivory tower at Penn that is an ivory tower. Believe it or not but this is also the clandestine meeting place for Mensa at Penn (“Pennsa”) and also the Entomologists at Penn (you guessed it, the “Penntomologists”). Don’t be fooled, naïve Penn students, behind those harmless books lies an unimaginable secret protected for generations by geniuses and insects alike.
The best way to disguise a secret location is to give it a name that implies the same purpose as every other building within a six block radius. Truth be told, no actual education occurs in this building. It’s just a giant warehouse where they store all of the anthropology, sociology, and philosophy majors for 40 years before they are finally let out to behold a world that is more grotesque than they could ever have imagined. So yeah, you might not want to pick one of these majors.
The shoe store on 40th street
This is where the people who like to buy a burrito and send out a package before buying a new pair of shoes go to buy a new pair of shoes. There’s really no other location to do this.
The Huntsman Building
No, silly, not Huntsman Hall. Everyone knows that Huntsman Hall is the place for human sacrifices. I’m talking about the center for the Huntsman Program across the walk. Rumor has it these gifted business linguists are trying to revive Esperanto. Yep – the very same language that has been hated on by Nazis, communists and even shamanists. Anyway, the “Huntsmen” are planning a massive hostile takeover using the power of language! Once the world is united under a single unintelligible tongue, it will be ripe for the plucking by a mega corporation. Pardon my jargon, but that IPO is gonna be a total shit show.
Honestly, I have no idea