New Philly Resteraunt Guide

by Jonathan Weinblatt

Maurymoto
This Asian-therapy-fusion restaurant not only serves up the finest array of sake in the city, but it will also help you cure your phobia of balloons and pickles. With all tables under the limelight of midday national television, this spot is the perfect date location for couples suffering the marital strife of a possibly adulterous relationship that can only been uncovered by a Penn alumnus. Don’t be shaken when other purveyors laugh or jeer at you during your meal, since no hidden secret will be left unturned. The final bill may be steep, but at least it comes with the instant gratification of knowing that “Randy … you are not the father!”

Incontinental
Reserved for the elevated in both taste and in age, this happenin’ joint will get more than just your mouth watering. No need to travel all the way to Mexico for Montezuma’s Revenge. Servers are notably quick to hand out new diapers between courses. For such upscale dining, this place is actually fairly cheap, especially when you consider the public action suit against Pepto Bismol that you’re asked to sign as you leave. Note: due to olfactory concerns, the chef has made a special point of not including asparagus on the menu.

Le Bec-Fun
What? You don’t consider spending well over $100 on your dinner fun? Well, what if the restaurant also contained a McDonald’s-style ball room behind the grand ballroom? Climb through the elaborate hamster tunnels between courses and see if really expensive French food can withstand the test of repeated go-arounds on the swirly slide. You’re undoubtedly aware that Chef Perrier has the longest running 5 Star Mobil Rating in the United States, but did you know that he also holds the Philadelphia dodgeball championship belt for three years running? Black tie attire mandatory.

rAmada
It’s really the only place you can go in center city when you have a strong desire for both expensive dining and cheap living. When your tapas cost more than your bed, you know you’re in for a delectable feast (or a terrible night’s sleep). The paella is so good, you’ll probably want to get it again at the complimentary breakfast buffet. Possibly the best Spanish food in the city, but the room service is so spotty that you’ll swear you’re really in Mexico. This sexy scene is a great place to pick up a fancy lady … just don’t take her back to your room.

Brasserie Terrier
If you though White Dog was the most expensive dog you’ll ever eat at, think again. Due to the incessant yapping of the wait staff, this isn’t the place to come for a quiet family dinner. The fantastic lounge will have you wagging your cocktail in no time. The simple art deco furnishings help the restaurant keep a low profile, meaning just about anyone can get a reservation … unless you’re Michael Vick. With an extensive beer selection, hot waitresses, and a spacious bathroom, Brasserie Terrier is truly man’s best friend.

Striped Bass
Drown yourself in the varied and sculptural rhythms of Charles Mingus, Flea, John Paul Jones, Gene Simmons, and maybe even Mike Weingarth, as they take their cuts on a fish. Whether you’re just a beginner or even a highly advanced bassist, this place is the perfect studio for honing your salmon bassist skills while you chow down. Despite its undeniable contribution to the downtown restaurant scene, this place never gets the credit it deserves. Sadly, Striped Bass is often ignored for the more flamboyant Striped Lead, which carries the elevated risk of an appearance by Freddy Mercury.

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