by Agnes N.
With the recent announcement that our favorite
greaserag artistic publication is returning to the Penn literary scene after a year of total MIA, I thought it’d be nice to pose an appropriately-themed challenge to our readers and get the anticipatory juices flowing.
While eager freshmen and sullen seniors alike long to join the rankings of those who’ve consummated an evening under the Button, another world of conquest, amorality, and premarital union awaits he who takes on this formidable list of Penn places to desecrate. We’ve searched the campus from end to end to bring to you a list of the most awe-inspiring destinations that will not only win you the admiration of your friends, but the assurance that your legacy will live on in listserv story lore.
Note the disproportionate number of restroom facilities on the list—to be a winner, BYO Lysol, my friend.
The Easy (1 pt)
JuicyCampus made the bathroom of Allegro’s so passé, but it remains commendable nonetheless.
* Extra points for slipping in and out in the time it takes to get your slice of bbq chicken.
Penn Women’s Center
· Nap room + free condoms + Betty Friedan = little known area, with unimaginable potential. Just try not to hit your head on the glass ceiling.
· Pro: Imagine you’re on a bondage-slave spaceship, being hurtled billions of miles away from rescue.
· Con: Where sorority girls go to die
The Sleazy (2.5 pt)
· “You must now squeeze past a guard sitting by the stairway down to this restroom, and its door has been removed”.
· Um, yeah.
The Sexy (3 pt)
“Three times better with just one letter” chapter house, 3-9 AM
· The House Mom makes it surprisingly hard to breach these golden-tressed gates.
Inside the Allied-Barton security box
· Transparent, heated, and even bullet-proof. How good can it get?
The car at Distrito
· Heralded as the new Pod for scene-loving Penn, the vintage Beetle in the window is the perfect place to see, and be seen (above the waist, of course).
The White Whale (6.9 pt)
Stage of Irvine
– If you manage this, I will be so impressed. Seriously, I mean it. Call me?
Think you can knock off more locales than that Mystery-wannabe down the hall? Challenge him to a duel—winner takes all. Email firstname.lastname@example.org to see where your triumph takes you!