Over the course of human history, mankind has been presented with many challenges that threaten our species’ very existence on this planet: world wars, the AIDS epidemic, and Vanilla Ice, to name a few. In spite of these scourges of destruction, we as a civilization have persevered, using intellect, reason, and ridicule to overcome. However, a new, unprecedented, quickly growing threat is on the horizon, one which we have little hope of stopping or defeating. I am talking, of course, of the greatest danger known to mankind today: pandas.
Sadly, the outlook is bleak. We, the human race, are playing right into their grimy, dirty, evil paws. Before you rejoinder with some crazed rebuke, let me outline the facts on the ground. The Encyclopedia Britannica sums it up as thus: “Very little is known about the natural lives and habits of wild pandas.” (I would have cited Wikipedia, but the Wiki article said pandas are descended from Ewoks, a dubious claim at best.) We can see galaxies thousands of light years away and catch every Britney Spears crotch shot, but when scientists go looking for wild pandas in China, they fail miserably. A recent expedition to track wild pandas counted a whopping 32 pandas over two years of observation. Scientists know next to nothing of panda mating, sleeping, or familial habits. We aren’t even sure whether to classify pandas as bears or raccoons – that’s a pretty big thing we’re missing! All we seem to know is that pandas eat bamboo. Considering that bamboo is known to be slightly more nutritious than glacial silt, pandas have got to be eating something else for their vitamins, minerals, and omega-3 fatty acids.
Considering humans have discovered powered flight, nuclear fusion, and the male G-spot, it is obvious why we know next to nothing about pandas – they don’t want us to know anything! Every time scientists go looking for pandas, countless panda spies surely stalk those biologists, taking note of our potential weaknesses and downfalls. Meanwhile, pandas are quickly encroaching upon human populations, patiently observing us and biding time before the certain attack. I, talk of course, of zoos! Zoos are perfect! Vistors to zoos display the most basic tendencies in the human character: docile group behavior, a penchant of mob mentality, and a preponderance to gawk. Might I add zoos are also conveniently centered in major metropolitan centers the world over, making them the perfect staging grounds for the coming assault.
The crisis posed by pandas has reached pandemic proportions. Red pandas have made their Communist sympathies known outright, while giant pandas pander to our capitalist tendencies, plotting instead to take down democracy from the inside. American schools such as the University of Pennsylvania teach our children to protect endangered species (how convenient that pandas fit into that category). This conspiracy is entrenched in the highest levels of government, as evidenced by the appearance of giant pandas on the emblem of the World Wildlife Fund. Isn’t it curious that the Chinese Yuan is appreciating vis a vis the US dollar as oil prices also rise, increasing the price of foodstuffs and other essentials and driving the common American further into poverty? Exactly.
Friends, I hope in the coming year we can join together and work towards a final solution… of pandas. I ask you, my fellow Americans, to join me in a nation-wide New Years 2008 pledge to destroy panda bears, once and for all. The fate of the world hangs in the balance.