by Agnes N.

Well, NSO is finally over, but somehow life at Penn continues. For all of those freshmen who still need advice on the college experience, Agnes N. holds the key to your salvation…in haiku form:

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My darling freshmen,
There are a lot of things you should know about Penn, but I’ll leave it to your new friends go take you up to their rooms and talk about it. In the meantime, collect these Penn-essentials before your friends learn about them, and face the prospects of making your walk of shame brighter, your social anxiety lighter, and your ever present freshman-awkwardness slighter.

Love,
Agnes

The Bag
Girl, I’m just saying…
we don’t play that game at Penn.
We know it’s a fake.

Condoms
Please unwrap this square
cause the time not spent wearing
is your penis burned

Cigarettes
You don’t make me thin,
but you make me feel so cool.
“Baby, got a light?”

BlackBerry
I can check Facebook
when perched on the toilet seat.
Don’t hate on me bro.

BlackBerry P.S.
To Friday night’s stud:
You didn’t call. Or email.
Or text. Fuck you too!

Mini-toothbrush
After a full year
of playing musical beds,
at last I have learned.

Pepper spray
A life-saver in
a 2-oz safety trigger
Wawa scares no more!

Florida ID
Your gleaming visage
bears nary a resemblance
“I swear, I got tan!”