by Kevin Kimura
As a prominent writer of fan fiction, it is important that I choose the right characters to include in all of my stories. Appearing in my work can make or break the careers of literary characters, so many of them send in their resumes in hope that I choose to employ them in my next piece. Here are some of the more impressive employment histories I have recently received:
Name: Albus Dumbledore
Current Employer: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Position: Professor, Headmaster
Qualifications: Supervised disciplinary and pastoral care for approximately 600 students from extremely diverse backgrounds. Led staff of powerful sorcerers in realizing mission statement. Led 3.5 billion galleon capital campaign towards endowment and restoration of owlery. Co-President, QHogwarts.
Proficient in Goblin.
Name: George of Anatolia
Current Employer: The Most High, Mightie, and Magnificent Empresse, Renowned for Pietie, Vertve, and all Gratiovs Government, Elizabeth, by Grace of God Queen of England, Fraunce and Ireland, and of Virginia, Defender of the Faith, etc.
Position: Redcrosse Knight, Patron Saint of England
Qualifications: Slew foule errour, defeated Sanloy in a jousting match, eliminated dragon, defended the Church of England against evil popishness, won the hand of faire Una.
Experienced with MatLab, SPSS, Excel.
Name: Atticus Finch
Current Employer: Maycomb County, Alabama
Position: Public Defender
Qualifications: Defended Tom Robinson in the notorious Ewell rape trial. JD, 1912, Alabama State University.
Member, State Bar of Alabama.
Listed in National Who’s Who in Law (1929)
Name: Charles Marlow
Current Employer: The Company
Position: Ferry-boat driver, ivory trader
Qualifications: Extensive foreign travel. Practical experience in steamship repair, tropical medicine, abnormal psychology.
SAT II Riverside Storytelling: 800
Name: Kubla Khan
Current Employer: self-employed
Qualifications: Decreed pleasure-dome, caves of ice. Heard ancestral voices prophesying war. Conquered Song Dynasty.
Typing Speed: 94 WPM.
Name: Frederick Wentworth
Current Employer: Royal Navy of the United Kingdom
Qualifications: Heroic leadership during the Napoleonic Wars. Successfully wooed Anne Elliot, overcoming considerable social obstacles. Despite years of naval service, excellent complexion; please see attached headshot.