The Torturer's Catalog

by Kevin Kimura

With orders pouring in from last year’s Funducational Catalog, I’ve decided to expand my business. Look for this flier in your mailbox sometime soon:

The political demands of modern government necessitate the usage of unorthodox methods to extract information. In the War on Terror, failure simply isn’t an option. But what’s the best way to inflict torture and guarantee the results you want? Here are some of our most outstanding new products. These are perfect for everyone, from the bored prison guard who has everything to the professional torturer who is so busy torturing, he doesn’t have time to keep up with the latest developments in the field. Sears and Target do not carry this stuff.

Waterboard: Cowabunga, dude! Let’s go waterboarding! The surf is up with this latest development in interrogative torture. Strap the prisoner to the board, and pour water into his face and breathing passages. Totally tubular, brah!! Hang ten as prisoners choke and gasp out their Al-Qaeda secrets! But be careful, though, that they don’t wipe out, or things will get totally gnarly with Amnesty International. Bummer, brosef.

Rootbeerboard: Like the waterboard, but more delicious. Actually, this isn’t torture at all.

Silver Side Up, the Third Album from Nickelback: Though banned in any society with a shred of shame or decency, this product allows users to inflict the ultimate in human suffering through singles like “Too Bad” and “How You Remind Me.” It is odd but true that the use of Nickelback on prisoners of war was specifically banned by the Geneva Convention, nearly fifty years prior to the formation of this crappy Canadian rock group.

Dane Cook: With Dane Cook, anything is a joke if it’s yelled loud enough. Unceasing references to 1990s pop culture and inane neologisms make Dane Cook unendurable to anyone with a sense of humor. You may know Dane Cook from his devastating work in Guantanamo, Abu Grahib, and Good Luck Chuck.

Iron Maiden: Crafted from the heaviest of heavy metal, use the Iron Maiden to extract crucial shred-vidence against enemies of the state. NEEDLY-NEEDLY-NEEDLY!! Get two tickets to Iron Maiden, baby; it goes great with thrashing (with a whip or cane) or headbanging (any blunt instrument will do). ROCK ON!!


Different Ways of Sexiling Your Roommate by Rish Chaudhuri

The Serendipity

Find a guy conveniently sleeping next to you, and have sex with him, then you are sexiling your roommate (assuming that roommate is making walk of shame at the time).

The Vladimir Putin

Hire a few spies and ask them to tell you when she/he is coming back to the room. Then you should find a guy, go to your room, get out the vodka, have sex with him, and lock the door. When roommate is unable to enter due to your intercourse, she has officially been sexiled. And you have won. In Russia, your roommate sexiles you.

The Fight Club

Make your roommate believe that you are having sex with someone, when in fact it is your roommate’s alter ego of her own split personality, who happens to be Tyler Durden.

The Engineer

Go to http://www.assparade.com and turn the volume up very very loudly. Your quick-witted jock roommate should be convinced.

The Art Student

Stick an inspiring and poignant painting on your door that evokes the wonderment of intercourse, and implies that it is happening during the current time.

The David Copperfield

Smuggle a fat girl past the vigilant eyes of your Wharton roommate, as he discusses the pros and cons of microfinance in Bangladesh with that crazy eyed brunette from down the hall. It’s a real shame that your roommate cannot enter his own room for the next 6 hours, due to the power of your illusory abilities. That’s what she said!

The Sharing is Caring

After 2 months of recon, you find out that your roommate is a deep sleeper. On the night of his successful conquest, hide under your bed. He cannot sexile you if he doesn’t know you aren’t there. After his 2 minutes of sex, pick him up, and throw him outside your door, naked and fast asleep. Then have sex with his sleeping conquest. Apparently that is illegal. But you have sexiled your roommate again, and that is generally all that matters.


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