Things You Do That I Hate, By God

by Rahul Sharodi

What up bitches? It’s God. I know, I know, you must be wondering why I’ve shown myself here, as opposed to My usual appearances in tortillas or Pat Roberton’s wet dreams. And the answer is simple: I’m a little disappointed in you, Penn. I made you in My image (btw I’m short and Jewish), and yet you still do things that fail to live up to My name. So I’ve compiled a small list of things you people do that, frankly, pick at the wrong dingleberry on My righteous ass. And since most of you (read: Whartonites) are good at taking orders, I’ll phrase my pet peeves in the form of commandments:

Thou Shalt Not Talk About How Drunk Thou Was Last Weekend
Smite Potential: 3

Look, I’ve seen some fucked up stuff. I mean, who do you think invented Munich sado-masochistic triple-scheizer vegetable porn? What I’m trying to say is that sometimes it sucks to be omniscient. So do you honestly believe that telling Me a story about going to Blarney’s and throwing up onto a toilet seat/ SDT girl will impress anyone? I guess it depends on what you ate. But seriously, don’t do that anymore, it pisses me off

Thou Shalt Not Play “Wonderwall” on Guitar, Ever
Smite Potential: 8

Dante’s Inferno says that the lowest circle of Hell is reserved for Brutus, Cassius, and Judas. That’s wrong. It’s reserved for those tools that sit around in the Quad and play acoustic guitar. If that’s your strategy to attract chicks, then may Me have mercy on your soul. I arranged that whole “Survival of the Fittest” shit hoping that people like you would die young, with a guitar in hand and mixtape in ass. So the next time you’re thinking about putting on aviators and singing a classic Oasis tune to that fine young thing from Jersey, think again, because I might just smite you back to the Stone Age.

Thou Shalt Not Write For the DP
Smite Potential: 12

They say the best kinds of newspapers are the ones that ask hard questions and ruffle feathers. At Penn, the Daily Pennsylvanian has the journalistic audacity to confirm that yes, men like “Entourage.” I must ask: WTF? I’m pretty sure I’ve created enough interested stuff in the world to read about. You know those monks in Myanmar? That’s pretty sweet. The ongoing struggle over Iraq? Juicy! And did you see Britney at the VMAs? OMG. So when I see headlines about Whoopi Goldberg and peeing on statues, I realize that Penn is filled with hopelessly boring people. To be a good sport, however, I’ll make some really crazy shit happen to keep them occupied. After all, you can’t write about Amy Gutmann when you’re drafted to Iran.

Test Taking Strategies by Jonathan Weinblatt

Being a senior, I’ve garnered a few insights that I’d like to impart to you that will guarantee your success when taking an important exam, such as those midterms you should probably be worrying about.

Belittle the test
In the days leading up to the exam, your classmates are bound to discuss the exam and how hard it’s going to be. Feel free to butt into their conversation, make a “Psh” sound, and assure them that you’ve had this professor before and all of her tests are way easier than she lets on. They’ll study less, and presto, you score higher. Whether or not the class is officially curved, your relative success will always be reflected in some form on your transcript. This also helps to level the playing field between those who aren’t smart but study really hard and those who are natural-born geniuses who shouldn’t have to work as hard to keep up with those damn overachievers.

Study in groups
This is the obvious course of action for getting others to teach you the material so you don’t have to waste your precious Halo 3 time reading the textbook. But this method also allows you to identify the smart kids and those who think they’re smart. The smart ones are the ones you’ll have to really watch for in upcoming exams. If they seem nervous, sit next to them during the exam and breath heavily. If they are genuine testing machines, then stay away during the exam so as not to be intimidated. The ones who think they’re smart are the ones you have to talk to between exams to confirm their idiotic inferences and bolster their deluded confidence.

Go to office hours
This may seem obvious, but there’s more to it than just asking the professor about the test. In fact, don’t ask about the test until after a lengthy conversation with the professor about his research and how he thinks the class is going so far. Display wide-eyed amazement at the coolness of his study of the reproductive cycles of black mealworms in the northern Amazon. If you’re an experienced bullshitter, mention that you’ve really been interested in doing some kind of research but don’t explicitly offer your services. It’s not worth risking West Nile Virus to save 5 points. Finally, tell him you’re taking this class as an elective because the subject is totally new to you and therefore exciting, and because you’ve heard great things about him as a professor. Oh, and slip in your curiosity about what might be covered on the upcoming test.

Interrogate the TA
Generally, a professor will not actually sit and administer the exam. If he’s a young and aspiring professor, he’ll be busy trying to trick the administration into giving him tenure. If he has tenure already, then he’ll be busy publishing every new research idea so as to block the path to tenure of all those up and coming professors. In any case, your spineless TA will have already lost his will to live and so will not be on guard for your attempts to steal test answers. It’s best to use such lines as “The professor didn’t really make it clear from the question which answer she was looking for, and there’s really several I could use. Is there a particular area she wants us to go into?” Then walk back to your seat with a smirk on your face.

Display confidence
Nothing says “This test is easy as shit and if you don’t think so too, then you’re an idiot” like laughing out loud and shaking your head from side to side when you first look at the test. Your peers might think you’re crazy, but more likely they’ll cower in fear when you seem to have no worry in the world about describing the origins of the French decolonization of western Africa. Don’t forget to keep up appearances and periodically grin while leaning back and stretching your arms over your head during the middle of the test. Finally, try your best to hand in your test early and do a little skip of joy to attract attention while leaving the testing room. If these tricks don’t totally freak out the other students, they are robots and you have no chance of succeeding anyway.

*Used properly, this Machiavellian guide will bring great success in any examination venture. The author of this article is not responsible for any failed tests due to lack of study, any disciplinary action due to disruptive testing behavior, or any loss of friends due to abrasive competitiveness. If you catch another student using one or more of these methods, disparage him to your other classmates, thereby ensuring that he will have no more “study-buddies” and you will have the trust of your peers before executing your own covert strategy.

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