Useful Phone Services at Penn

by RIsh Chaudhuri

Apart from Student Health Services, 898 WALK, and the number of your TA’s bank account to which you wire transfer bribe money; there are other phone services at your behest to help you make your stay at the circus that is the University of Pennsylvania a pleasant one. In no particular order, here they are:

898 COCK BLOCK

898 VAG BLOCK (For Gay guys)

898 GET HOT GIRL THAT WILL ONLY BE 5 YARDS AWAY FROM YOU IN YOUR DREAMS TO GET YOU INTO SHITTY FRAT PARTY

898 SPRAY STINKY GUY WHO YOU ARE TOO POLITE TO ADMONISH

898 CHEAT SHEETS or 1800 ASIAN GUY

898 CRAWL

898 SKIP

898 TOILET PAPER IN LIBRARY RESTROOM

898 ADDEROL

898 POLITICAL CORRECTNESS (for PunchBowl)

898 REMOVE PERIOD OFF ROOM MATE’S BEDSHEETS BEFORE HE RETURNS

898 UNAWKWARD THIS CONVERSATION

898 DISTRACTION SO I CAN RUN AWAY FROM PERV WHO IS TRYING TO ENGAGE ME IN CONVERSATION

898 GET A LIFE (For engineers)

898 DISSOLVING OF TRUST FUND RECUPERATION HELPLINE (for Jewish American Princesses)

898 HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS THAT ARENT YOUR RACE TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE YOU ARE DIVERSE (for 80% of Penn)

898 MIRACULOUSLY LESSEN THE MEAN OF MY EXAM

898 MAKE FRIENDS (Also for engineers)

898 EMBEZZLEMENT (for Whartonites)


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