Warning Email Patrol

by Alexander Jacobson

           Recently, the university has experienced an upsurge in the number of warning e-mails it needs to send out to warn you of potential threats around campus. The university has also been warned of sending out too many warning e-mails by, yours truly, the warning patrol here at punchbowl. I now share with you some of the confiscated warning e-mails we’ve kept from clogging your inbox.

To: TheEntireListserv@everyone.upenn.edu
From: The Office of Building Materials On-The-Loose

Dear all flip-flop and long-pant wearing students,
           You need to widen your peripheral vision cause we aint fixin’ this one. On Locust Walk between the blocks of 34th and 40th street there has recently been a influx of uneven stones that has caused many students, academics and Amy Guttman, to unexpectedly look like idiots. Although Amy’s incident had nothing to do with Locust Walk, we warn you that these stones come in a variety of colors; mostly rock-colored and gray. We are not yet sure what the cause of this recent wear-and-tear might be, but we suspect it’s probably you, so get off the walk and start using the grass.
We’re filming,
Don R. U. Trippinstein

To: TheEntireListserv@everyone.upenn.edu
From: The Office of Pressing Race Affairs

Dear Students with Afros,
           It has recently come to our attention that over the past 45 years the area west of campus has experienced an influx of people who speak only Ebonics and are not sensitive to racial inequality on campus. Officer White-McMiller of campus police suspects that racially insensitive remarks most often come from individuals armed with an afro-pick. For this reason, he suggests that you refrain from using an afro pick so as to minimize the number of racially insensitive remarks on campus.

Thank you,
OPRA

To: TheSchoolOfBountyHunters@sbh.upenn.edu
From: Campus Police

Dear Upenn Bounty Hunters,
           It has recently come to our attention that yellow jackets and radios do not deter anyone from doing anything. The most recent incident has involved a 6-foot tall Evangelist figure armed with an art book gaining un-authorized admittance to the University computers. We are still trying to read the report our yellow-jacket packing agent wrote, but he’s having difficulty spelling “He-done-it.” Keep your eyes peeled for suspicious evangelist activity surrounding University Computers.

Sincerely,
Officer He-done-it

To: HEATHENS!@EVEN YOU.upenn.edu
From: The Evangelist Preacher with Finger-paint

Students of the University of Pennsylvania,
           I am deeply concerned about the safety of your soul. It is an unfortunate truth that even the very kindest, most loving individuals on campus could be heathens. Heathens living among us, how horrible. The University has been admitting heathens for decades and now their sloppy admissions process has resulted in Hillel and Black People. I would like to propose an ultimate solution. Irvine Auditorium could easily be converted into a Church for the Evangelis—SOMEONE’s coming!

Your Savior,
Bob The Evangelist

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