What To Do After College

by Kevin Kimura

           Like a lot of Penn seniors, I’m not really sure what I want to do after college is over. My life coach told me that when I’m not sure what I want to do, I should make a list of options and write down the pros and cons of each choice. My life coach is really just a legally purchased mp3 of Des’Ree’s “You Gotta Be,” but the advice is excellent nonetheless. Since I am majoring in the humanities, my list is very short:

Option Pros Cons
Live in parent’s basement, trying to find burger-flipping job. Plenty of time to reorganize pog collection and reflect on poor life choices. Ladies not impressed.

…there are no other options. But if you are a typical high-achieving Penn student, your list probably looks more like this:

Option Pros Cons
Management Consulting Unique opportunity for professional growth and personal fulfillment. No one really seems to know what “management consulting” is.
Law School Courtroom drama: “If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit!” Courtroom drama: Brit no longer talking to Courtney because she hooked up with Aaron, who was, like, totally with Nicole at the time, but Aaron says they were on a break.
Med School Get to cut people without getting arrested. The competition is Doogie Houser, MD.
Teach for America Might be like The Dead Poet’s Society. More likely like Dangerous Minds (but without the happy ending.)
Peace Corps Making a difference! War, famine, pestilence, death
Grad School As a TA, you get to lord grading power over trembling undergrads. Penn grad students…do they look happy with their decision?
Investment Banking Salary sufficient to fulfill lifelong dream of lighting Cuban cigar with hundred dollar bill. Cocaine now considered a health risk.
Rhodes Scholarship People will assume you are smart so you will probably get to do whatever you want afterwards. English food, exchange rate, dental hygiene, imperialism, classism, weather.
Rock Musicianship Sex, Drugs, etc. Being good at Guitar Hero not same as being good at guitar.
Prostitution Set your own hours, opportunity for use of creativity in the workplace. Uncomfortable uniform, herpes, objectification in rap music.
Broadway Jazz hands. All cute guys are gay, have AIDS, and are real complainers about it too
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