by Johnny McNulty
5. Marty Rosenblum’s “Revolutionary!” Bar Mitzvah
Although Jews are renowned for their humor, irony was not revealed to Man until the New Testament. Marty’s older brother Jacob made a valiant effort to “live up to the theme, man” by selling the middle schoolers weed in the bathroom, but considering the party was held in the center of the earth so that Marty’s world-economy-controlling banker relatives could come, the net effect is probably negative.
3. Che Guava Juice
The only non-evil entry on this list, Che Guava juice, marketed by an elderly Chinese couple in the Bay Area, is really just super lame. Even their son thinks its lame, and he goes to Stanford for computer engineering. Yes, they’re old, but seriously. Seriously. Che Guava juice? Mr. and Mrs. Hu, Che Guava juice? Seriously.
4. Capitalist Pig Ass-Soap
Made in the Provence region of France by the choicest non-union, Algerian sweatshop labor, the milk-infused soap claims to “gently clean without drying out” the asses of capitalist robber barons and rapists of land and labour and is “specially formulated” to the needs of those who wipe themselves with the blood and toil of the proletariat. Frankly, the makers of this soap are just being douchebags.
2. Venezuelan Freedom Tokens
Who doesn’t like enjoying our God-given rights and liberties such as free speech, religion, and freedom from soldiers quartered in our houses? Lord knows the Venezuelans do, which is why they clamor so for these tokens, handed out by the Venezuelan government, each of which is good for one exercise of freedom. The popularity of these freedom tokens can be seen in the Venezuelan vernacular, such as “Man, I wish I could speak out against the injustices in our system, but I’ve only got one Guevara left and I’d really like to tell that storm trooper he can’t legally live in my house and steal my family’s produce. I wish I had more freedom. I mean Guevaras! No, officer, that wasn’t free speech! Please don’t take my token, I wasn’t saying “I wish I had more freedom” referring to the philosophy of inalienable rights, I was just referring to these Guevara tokens which symbolize our repression. Ok, I guess you have a point, that was sort of free speech right there. Ok, here’s the token. Can I have a receipt for my freedom please? Dude, I hate Che Guevara now.”
1. Face/Off 2
Yes, John Travolta and Nicholas Cage are back for the thrilling follow-up to this sci-fi John Woo thriller. Except this time, they both have their faces surgically replaced with that of Che Guevara. And they shoot a LOT of people in Latin America and stir up revolutions that ultimately lead to naught but misery, poverty and death among the very peasant classes that they claimed to be fighting for. And they will lead death squads for Fidel Castro to murder “counterrevolutionaries.” And spark wars in Africa and Asia, vowing to create “a thousand Vietnams” for America across the globe. That part of the film will be highly acclaimed as a terrific biopic. When the two Guevaras gang-bang a sheep atop the original Che’s grave in order to defuse a bomb, however, someone will get pissed. Oh, and it’s all in the future.