by Daniel Weinblatt
Warning: This piece may or may not have been written while the author, Daniel Weinblatt, was
half asleep should have had a V8 and after a 5 minute Wikipedia surf on each of these countries. I assume therefore that all of the statements I am about to make are true, according to a 12 year old kid from Merced, California who probably drank too much Red Bull today.
Description: Ah, how could we forget our favorite source of cheap labor, cheaper drugs, and even cheaper memories from Cancun. If Las Vegas is America’s PlaygroundTM, then Mexico is, well, America’s Mexico. A little tequila is fun, but get too wasted and you’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice without your right kidney. You know what they called The Hangover in Mexico (and certain parts of Arizona)? The Tuesday. And like tequila, once you overcome its inadequacies, their soccer team is still pretty bad, and here’s hoping they put some INS agents around the U.S. team camp. Probably the most famous set play that the Mexicans run during games is “The Flaming Z,” not to be confused with the fairly common STD of the same name that is said to have originated there.
Notable contributions to the world:
That lady with the unibrow Frida Kahlo, Montezuma’s Revenge, and that time last semester when you missed your Sociology final because of an ill-advised decision to eat a Chipotle burrito with the extra hot salsa.
3. South Korea
Description: You probably thought I was going to say North Korea, right? I would usually pick the low-hanging fruit that is the People’s Republic, but they’re more like the mealy apple with half the worm in it and the other half in your mouth. Also, the worm is radioactive. Their rowdy (relatively) southern neighbor is far more successful politically, economically, and culturally, but they still drive Hyundais. We as ‘Mericans may want to watch out for these guys, because just like the Taliban in the 80s, helping the South Koreans in the Korean War—you know, the one with Hawkeye, Radar, and 2.5 million casualties —has come back to bite us in the ass. They already make most of our stuff, and they’re far ahead of us in education and research. The graph of their GDP over the past hundred years is one of those exponential curves they’re so much better than us at understanding. And did I mention they’re the world’s 6th largest nuclear power? They’re like the younger brother that you potty train, who then quickly passes the bar and sues you for wiping him too hard. Oh yeah, they can also play soccer.
Notable contributions to the world: Kimchi, false claims of human cloning, and cars for black people.
2. Ivory Coast Description: First, how many black people do they have to have in this country before we stop calling it “Ivory Coast”? Can’t we petition The Architect or someone to change that to something more Stevie Wonder-y and less Paul McCartney-y? The name implies there should be some white people there, but last I heard, my uncle Jeff had moved to Liberia. As it stands right now it’s like the pot calling the kettle white. At least if they called it black, they would be right. Another glance at Ivory Coast’s Wikipedia page reveals that its infant mortality rate ranks among the world’s highest at 116/1000, so I think it’s safe to say that if you managed to live past age 3, you are currently on the Ivory Coast soccer team. Seriously, fewer infants per thousand die in Sudan every year than in Ivory Coast.1
Notable contributions to the world: Dead baby jokes and a Carlton-esque racial identity crisis.
Description: In a country where, if done in this order, you can have weed, hookers, and gay marriage completely free of charge and Jewish guilt, the citizens have apparently stopped their noble hedonistic pursuits in order to qualify for a soccer tournament. An Apatovian country if there ever was one, something tells me that in the end this lovably awkward oaf will at best
get the way out-of-his-league girl win the cup keep it nil-nil for 2 hours, and at worst learn valuable lessons about being a functioning member of society not embarrass themselves in a country they used to own.
Notable contributions to the world: Clogs, dykes, and boring stories told by people who look down on you because they got to go backpacking through Europe while you cleaned up vomit at a summer camp.2
Conclusion: Yes, all of these countries may be better than our beloved USA at soccer, and they may still make fun of us for calling it “soccer.” However, I’d gladly take soccer ineptitude over having to root for or live in the aforementioned sorry excuses for countries. Except for the Netherlands. That place sounds pretty sweet.
1See, Darfur is even bad at being a shitty country.