Friday Special: Terrifying Exchanges Between Psychiatrists and Clients

People have lots of problems. Financial worries, terrorism, herpes – there are are a lot of things to drive people to therapy. The Punchbowl documents some of these conversations.


Patient: Well, sometimes I am just sitting alone on a Saturday night, no one has called me, and I feel like I have no friends.
Therapist: Now that is probably not true. I want you to go through with me all the people you count as friends.
Patient: Well, I hang out with Mike from the office a lot, than there is my golf buddy Fred-
Therapist: I saw Fred in the paper, he just got hit by a bus, who else?

Therapist: So you mentioned last session that you have a problem connecting with women, can we go into that a little?
Patient: I guess, I just feel like I can’t find a woman who really works for me.
Therapist: And what are you looking for in a woman?
Patient: Well, I really need someone who will just be there for me, someone I can hold and caress when it’s been a rough day.
Therapist: Ah, so I guess what you’re saying is that you’re a giant pussy, right?

Therapist: Now to deal with these depression issues we are going to try a little role-playing to see how you deal with conflict okay?
Patient: Alright
Therapist: Okay, so your 5th level ogre wizard enters a room and is attacked by my two 2nd level goblin barbarians, what do you do?

Patient: I just want to thank you for all the help you have given me. I feel much more stable in my relationships. I can be much more patient in finding a girl now. It used to be that I would grab the first girl off the corner, now I feel like I can wait, observe, find someone special.
Therapist: So you have moved from random kidnapping to stalking targets.
Patient: Yup.
Therapist: And now that you are only looking for special women, have you considered letting the others out of the basement?
Patient: I have not.

Patient: My husband just cleaned me out in the divorce. I lost everything, and I really have commitment issues now that I am dating again.
Therapist: And what steps do you thing that you can take to feel more comfortable when you start dating again?
Patient: If he ain’t no punk holla’ we want pre-nup WE WANT PRE-NUP?
Therapist: Exactly.

Therapist: Now to really work through your problems, we need to understand the thought associations you make in your life.
Patient: I can’t help it, I see people and these words just spring into my head.
Therapist: What kind of words?
Patient: Kill.


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