Handy Dandy Guide to Candy

by Shai Nir

Halloween is over now, and if you’re like me, you can’t think of a better way to celebrate Halloween than to go trick-or-treating. Not all candy is created equal, however; some is just a waste of time. To help you discern, here’s a quick guide to what to keep from this year’s haul and what to get rid of.

  • A Happy Bar is arguably the best candy you can get. Eating one is one of the most intensely joyful experiences that can be achieved without the use of Heroin, because Happy Bars are made of Cocaine. Happy Bars date back to the Fifties, back when they were known as Gay Bars, leading to the slogan, “If you come across a Gay Bar you know you’re in for a good time.”1
    Verdict: Take.

  • A Chomperchumper is a ball of premium chocolate three feet in diameter surrounded by a two-inch coating of solid lead. No one has the slightest clue how to eat it.
    Verdict: Stake.

  • A Weeping Lindy consists of an ounce of sexy sandwiched between two wafers of shame and remorse; it was popularized by candymaker James Helium Tigerbottom. Lindy was a high school girl James knew and she was weeping because there was something in her eye. A popular method of eating a Weeping Lindy is to gently remove one of the wafers, then lick the creamy center. Keep licking. Just like that.2
    Verdict: Have

  • Zombie grapes are horrible little things that belong nowhere on God’s green earth. They’re made by infusing the purest essence of evil, collected from the depths of the most devilish of black pits,3  into grapes harvested from the plains of Mordor itself. Zombie grapes burrow into your mind and devour your soul from the inside. In some places they’re commercially known as raisins. If you ever see any, bury them at a crossroads so that they’ll never rise again.
    Verdict: Shave.

  • A sugar shiv is a knife crudely fashioned out of a candy cane. It can be used not only as an offensive weapon against rival gangs of trick-or-treaters, but as a versatile tool, for anything from bonsai tree maintenance to impromptu minor surgery. You can even use it to readjust your braces to make up for all the damage you caused by biting into a big lead ball. A truly well-crafted sugar shiv is a valuable object and can fetch you a lot of candy cigarettes in candy prison.
    Verdict: Hit.

  • Candy scorn is the physical expression of pure contempt. Maybe your mother gave it to you when you came out of the closet implicitly by bringing home Rent from Blockbuster. Or maybe you got it from your boyfriend after he caught you cheating with another guy in a Joker costume. Wherever you got your candy scorn, it tastes awful, so forget about eating it and grind it up for biofeul instead.
    Verdict: Crap.

  • A Mr. Meow is just a cat in a candy wrapper. There’s air holes so it can breathe, but it’s probably starving, the poor thing. Maybe you should feed it some of your other candy. Milk chocolate is kind of like milk, and cats like that sort of thing, don’t they?
    Verdict: Set the cat free and report whoever gave it to the authorities.

1 Slogans sucked back then.
2 Alternatively, make double-stufs.
3 Oprah Winfrey’s.

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