Thanksgiving Haikus!

In Punchbowl’s long-standing tradition of racial-guilt tripping, we’d like to give thanks on Thank(God-Hiroshima-didn’t-happen-to-us-)Day in the form of of a brief sampling of Haikus from staff.

Andrew Piksai
Much turkey consumed
Went to bed WAY overstuffed
Made gravy in pants

Matt Bloch:
Mo bitches mo pie
Don magic won is thankful
For coochie and maize

Jonathan Rotta:
Thanks for the food, Red.
Something in return for you:
Alcoholism

Sam Bieler:
On Thanksgiving Day
Only I am conscious
Frats train great drinkers

Shane Tepper:
So much effing food
I look seven months pregnant
Lots more poop to come

This turkey’s mad dry
Should have basted that shit more
I’m thinking Arby’s

Call an ambulance
Dad fucked up carving the bird
Happy Black Friday

Joe Restiano:
Thanks hungry Pilgrims
For Befriending Indians
And promoting sin

Brian Serpico:
Why am I thankful?
Children starve in Africa…
I can have seconds!

Jonathan Packer:
A turkey doubles
As a sex toy if you leave
Your flesh-light™ at school

Lauren KapsalakImGreek:
Dearest Indians,
Sorry about the smallpox-
But thanks for the corn!

Dear Uncle Randy,
I know that under this table
you’re not wearing pants.

Jake Blum:
The pilgrims settle
Eat dinner with Natives
And then slaughter them

I am thankful for
My family, friends, and health
I miss my dead dog

A Thanksgiving feast,
Turkey, stuffing, pumpkin pie
I wish I was high

Alexander Jacobson:
Not going home sucks
Though, not like having no home
I ate at Wawa

Thanksgiving Thanksgive
Thanks giving Thanksgiving Thanks
God damn I am full.

(This one’s for you, Rahul)
Thanksgiving is great
Half way through his final year
Seniors are jaded

Maureen Devenny
You smell like dust and
Have creamed corn in your moustache
Glad you came, Aunt Marge

At Thanksgiving grace,
I pray for your demise,
Better Grandchild

Thanks to you, Turkey,
I will sweat balls at Pottruck
until graduation.

Rahul Sharodi:
Honor this day by
Giving back to Indians
Through losing at slots

Shai Nir:
Dad’s folks love to binge
Mother’s people are vegan
Yay tofurducken

Can’t stuff face tonight
Must be up early Friday
Ready to hit Sears

Dan Berkman:
Seconds, thirds, fourths, fifths
I have yet to eat dessert
I will need new pants.

Emerson Brooking:
Squanto’s tribe gave corn
And happy Pilgrims gave back
With smallpox blankets

Rish Chadhuri:
Hey everybody
Let’s give thanks for genocide
Guilt free turkey waits

David Shore:
Cornicopia,
A festive holiday feast,
Fuck the Indians.

Holiday fucking,
After turkey day football.
Woman, make me pie.

Agnes N.:
Balenciaga
Chanel, Vera Wang, Prada…
for these, I give thanks

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