by Alexander Jacobson
Now that fall is quickly rolling in I’d like to suggest buying a bike. It will not only keep you warm by shortening that walk to class from 10 minutes to a lean 7 and a half, but it’ll also give you yet one more venue to show off your fall fashion sense. Being the helpful and non-judgmental institution that we are, Punchbowl has thoroughly researched the latest in cycling fashion.
The Texan Horned Speed Demon:
This is your three-horned solution to always running 3 minutes late to class. First, the handlebars are mounted with a Texan Steer’s horn rack so you can assault pedestrians like a Cowboy without even lifting your spurs from the pedals. Second, instead of a rear-mounted baggage rack, she’s got an industrial-grade fog horn that will get those pedestrians you don’t have time to impale out your way, fast. Finally, she packs a Thanks Giving-grade cornucopia horn to ensure you don’t arrive at class hungry—AUTOMATICALLY REFILLS WITH FOOD WHEN YOU PUT VEGETABLES IN IT!!
The Houston Fireside Ride
Don’t those wet, bitter gusts of Philadelphia smog make you wish you were snuggled up in one of Huston’s leather-lined fireside lounge-chairs? Want no more! This bastion of toasty comfort is equipped with enough firewood keep you screaming in warm fuzziness all morning. Just light the kindling at the bottom and three minutes later you’ll be pedaling through a grade-A inferno! We not only assure that you’ll have the warmest ride of anyone you know, but we also 100% guarantee that you have a 60% chance of being mistaken for a religious martyr burning at the stake! (Matches sold separately)
Do you like cycling, but not enough to ride a bike? Do you want everyone to know how much you love pets, but hate caring for them? Do you plan on becoming a Trophy Wife? WE’VE GOT A BIKE FOR YOU! This trike is just seven inches tall, and weighs less than your left boob! Show all your friends how much you approve of riding bikes without actually riding one yourself. Fifi stays right in your purse, handlebars poking out just like your adorable Chihuahua used to before you bought Chanel Sunglasses instead of dog food.
The West Philly Mutt
Ever had Cattle Horns stolen right off your handlebar rack? Ever noticed there wasn’t as much firewood strapped to your bike as when you left it? Ever found a trike that looks suspiciously like your own Fifi for sale on 52nd & Baltimore? This is where they all end up—on the West Philly Mutt, “legally re-possessed” (during the mortgage crisis, surely) and strapped together by none other than the citizens of West Philadelphia. Talk about a hybrid that combines the best of all possible cycles: The West Philly can impale pedestrians, set them on fire- and then make them jealous of how much cuter your Chanel Bag (or man-purse) would be if it had Fifi in it!