by Rahul Sharodi
Getting a Stupid Pledge Name
Details: In pledging, as in life, you are given a new name with which to face the world, and which symbolizes your life’s possibilities. But while your parents named you after older relatives, Bible figures and other fond memories, frats usually name you after quotes from The Big Lebowski and places you vomited. And while you imagine names like “Hot Bitch Fucker” or “Fratty Fratty McFrattster” would be awesome names, you’ll unfortunately have to live with names like “I Have Gonorrhea,” or “Faggy Faggy McBallLicker.”
Threat Level: Shameful
Details: While the forced consumption of copious amounts of alcohol and the promises of an unlimited number of “hos” may drive pledges to fratstardom, it may also drive them to alcoholism. However, in college it may be hard to identify the difference between an alcoholic and someone who is just really fucking awesome. And while some signs of alcoholism include blacking out entire semesters and noticing personal similarities with WaWa bums, do not worry: you can always find help by rushing Alpha Alpha
Threat Level: Unavoidable
Details: Every campus needs a good plague, and we’ve happened to have stumbled upon it right now! With the school population (temporarily) scared shitless, fraternities and sororities find themselves scrambling to find new ways to get schwasted without getting schwent to hup to get a schwspinal tap. However, even though fear grips the student population, we must keep our eyes open. This is because this recent outbreak has all the signs of involvement from the Zionist/Government/Amy Gutmann conspiracy.
Threat Level: Infectious
Realizing Your Frat Sucks
Details: After two weeks of getting to know forty or fifty brothers during rush, you were ready to dedicate much of your time at Penn to hanging out with a bunch of cool dudes. Unfortunately, throughout and after pledging, you start noticing that, well, everyone sucks. And if you quit the brotherhood now, you’ll lose all of the fake-friendships you’ve half-heartedly developed AND have to engage in the de-brothering ritual of a one-man keg kill. Bummer. Like herpes, there is no cure for this hazard. But unlike herpes, this will prevent you from getting laid.
Threat Level: Kill Yourself