Adding a Personal Touch to Your CampusFood Order

By Arielle Wolfson

Campusfood is a brilliant idea. Almost as brilliant as George W. Bush’s idea to join the cheerleading team at Yale in a frugal attempt to get the ladies. Because probably 90 percent of college kids’ decisions are powered by the twin engines of inertia and laziness, why not have a Copa burger delivered to you even when you live right above the restaurant? Even better, the website has an additional notes section where you can specify your order just a little more until the chefs use your French fry plate as their urinal. However, there is a way to use this section for entertainment instead of severe annoyance, and below you will see ideas on how to have as much fun on campusfood as Paris Hilton does sneaking cocaine into her purse. (too bad it fell out and she’s now in prison : (

ORDER 1:
Restaurant: Insomnia Cookies
Order:
8 Cookies: 2 Chocolate Chunk, 3 Snicker Doodles, 1 M&M, 2 Peanut Butter
2 Brownies
Additional Notes: HURRY UP!!! WE’RE MORE STONED THAN A BIBLICAL EXECUTION!!! WATCHING PLANET EARTH, SOOO COOL!!! COOKIES!! ALSO, ANY WAY YOU CAN MAKE THAT BROWNIE A “SPECIAL BROWNIE”..JUST WONDERING

ORDER 2:
Restaurant: Mad Mex
Order:
1 Red Bean Turkey Chili
1 Spicy Mad Mex Burrito
Additional Notes: Last time Montezuma’s revenge hit harder than Hurricane Katrina. Would it be possible to substitute diarrhea for extra guacamole?

ORDER 3:
Restaurant: Koch’s Deli
Order:
1 Jewish Hoagie
1 Nova Lox
1 Chopped Liver
1 Egg Salad
Additional Notes: Oy vey! Easy on the corned beef..we’re talking about meat that has killed more Jews than Bernie Madoff. Also, last time the Salami was a little questionable-sort of like Elena Kagan’s sexuality. P.S. Could you include extra chopped liver? Have a J-Date potluck later..

ORDER 4:
Restaurant: China Inn
Order:
1 General Tso’s Chicken
1 Vegetable Fried Rice
1 Fried Pork Dumplings
Additional Notes: It is annoying that there is only a tiny percentage of General Tso’s chicken eating Americans who know that this general was a ruthless and dangerous man who roundhouse kicked people in the face. I guess it makes sense- this dish is packed with more calories than the population of Uganda consumes in one year. Whatever, I went to the gym today (only did the bike though). Wait, why am I telling you this?

ORDER 5:
Restaurant: Continental Mid-Town
Order:
1 Lobster Mac N’ Cheese
1 Jumbo Lump Crab Cake
Additional Notes: I know that I ordered lobster and that this is a Steven Starr restaurant, but last time the delivery guy was dressed in all white like he was about to play the finals in Wimbledon or attend P-Diddy’s birthday. I know that this time he will be wearing lacoste and plaid shorts that even a Connecticut dentist would be embarrassed about, but this is West Philly we are talking about..

ORDER 6:
Restaurant: Allegro Pizza
Order:
2 Pieces of Buffalo Chicken
1 Piece of Pepperoni
Additional Notes: Please Deliver at 2 am. Your pizza is only good after 4 miller lites and two hits from LeBong James. Any time before that it usually tastes like Styrofoam dipped in tomato sauce. Thanks!!!

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