Here at Davis & Spleenreacher Pharmaceuticals, we put the needs of our customers first. We know that a student’s life can be stressful; some of us even went to college ourselves. Tha’s why D&S is committed to providing a broad range of over-the-counter medications created to make college students’ lives easier. The next time you have a medical problem or just some extra spending money, why not try out one of these fine pharmaceutical options:
Restyeryze: Makes lectures bearable by knocking you out for the duration of class. Do not use while operating heavy machinery.
Ysatex: A small tablet that makes raves more fun. Actually, it makes everything more fun.
Clezanine: Take that Freshman 15 back off with this easy-to-use weight loss pill. Do not use while pregnant.
Resolvicate: Gives you fifteen extra minutes on your history exam. Side effects may include chronic blue book.
Pizza: Use for the treatment of anorexia. Take twice during dinner.
Wittgensil: Helps you GET Philosophy, man. See also Aristotalin and Confucialis.
Clezanine: It’s never too late to fix your mistakes with this easy-to-use late-term abortion pill.
Medical Child Pornography: Not to be used for non-medical purposes.
Recitatin: Wakes you up Friday morning so that you can watch a grad student scribble incomprehensibly on the board for an hour and give you a two-question quiz that frankly you could’ve completed in your sleep.
Zeronor: A shameless placebo. Also available as a suppository.
Vipercet: Open the medication jar and a spring-loaded toy snake comes out. Great for children and the elderly.
Crouton: Adds crunch to soup and salads. Side effects include headaches, rash, menstrual disturbances, severe depression, and gustatory zest.
Mysteryl: Random chemical runoff from our factory. Side effects include theoretically anything. Mystery flavor. If Mysterol causes an erection that lasts longer than 4 hours, let us know so that we can market it.