1. Athletes: Including both male and female varieties, they are certainly the majority in the scholastic desert wasteland known as “la clase.” Far larger and stronger than their non-athletic counterparts, they would appear to be the dominant predators in this course. However, they are the Tyrannosaurus Reeses (pl. of Rex) of this habitat, displaying little or no cognitive ability when it comes to translating “cognados,” as well as remarkably short arms. They will often demonstrate the herd mentality when in the presence of a “star athlete,” though winning Olympic bronze for Women’s Curling shouldn’t count, and should come with free prescription of Zoloft and 20 years of their life back. Thanks Title IX!
2. People That Have Taken High-Level Spanish Before: While small in number, they can be quite intimidating with their vast knowledge of this foreign tongue (they could be in 204 but bombed the placement test on purpose). They have developed a fascinating habit of feigning ignorance when called upon by the professor, even using intentionally horrific pronunciation that would make Ricardo Montalbán toss and turn in his rich Corinthian leather coffin. They are most closely related genetically to the elusive secret Hispanic (not to be confused with the elusive illegal Hispanic). When accused of hiding the fact that they were actually born in Cuba,
Elian these individuals will exhibit territorial behavior and claim to actually be of Italian descent and will then be forced to make pasta as a rite of passage. In an unrelated but similarly fascinating phenomenon, a high percentage of these passive-aggressive creatures will have unusual names. such as “Furby,” or “Kelp.” This makes me want to slap their parents in the face with my “polla.”
3. Possible Terrorist From As Yet Undetermined Middle Eastern Country: On second, thought most of the terrorists I see on TV are skinny, and this guy’s kind of heavy. Maybe he dropped out of training school, poor thing. He keeps shooting…hateful looks at the scantily dressed Tri-Delt on the other side of the room. He does appear to be romantically interested in…
4. Future Cat Lady: Her hair is way too long and looks like it has bits of aluminum foil and poop in it. Or maybe those are pieces of Snickers bars. It’s a good look for a Margaret, though. Her attributes are most similar to a species known to zoologists as Liz Lemon. Enjoy this week’s Antiques Roadshows.
5. Lack of Asian/Indian Students: I repeat: THERE ARE NO ASIANS OR INDIANS in this class. Apparently, this diverse habitat is not suitable for certain populations, as they have the useful adaptation of possessing a brain.
6. Kid Who Appears To Be Living A Van Halen “Best of” Album Titled, “Hot For Spanish
(Fly) Teacher from Panama and (is trying to avoid an) Eruption (in class)”: Yeah, that’s me.