Halloween is approaching, ladies and gents. If you ever were a human child, I’m sure you experienced the pain of going trick or treating and finding one or two houses to be…..disappointing. In this column I reach to find a remotely possible explanation for that inexplicable circumstance, when some adult jerk tries to ruin the fun for everyone.

The system.

Man, I hate the system. The Man got me down. Am I just a cog in the wheel? A pawn on the chess board? It makes me sick.

All my life The Man has been telling me what to do. What I should wear, what I should like, what I should give out to kids on Halloween…. and I’m tired of it.

That’s why I’m taking a stand.

Oh yes. Look out world, because this October, I am going to stand up to the big boss. I’m gonna defy society. I’ve been waiting all of my life to do it, and this Halloween, I’m gonna DO it.

Hahaha, yes, it’s so sinister. I can picture it now. My house stands, like every other, on the block. A jack o’lantern mat on my porch. Maybe even a ghost or two hanging from a tree. Hell, I’ll even get one of those spooky audio loops that plays as the kids come up to the door.

Yes, it’s all too perfect. The kid comes up to the door. Rings the doorbell. I wait, behind the door, for a minute or two. The tension….the longing….the kid eagerly peers through the window to see if anyone is home. His blood thirsts for sweets, and he knows I’ve got the juice.

Finally, dejected, he turns around and prepares to leave. It is at this moment that I open the door.

A shiver of excitement travels down the young Power Ranger as he turns back around and sees me. Sees me holding a giant plastic witch’s cauldron from CVS. His eyes light up as I reach my hand into the cauldron. The sweat drips from the inside of his smelly mask. His arms tremble as he holds out the bag. That’s when I take my hand out of of the cauldron and reveal…

An apple.

Hahahahaha!!!! Take that, Halloween! Take that America! You thought you could put me into my place? Well guess what, you’ve got apples coming! Yes sir, it is the ultimate stand!

The other slaves of society will probably try to rationalize such a preposterous action. ‘Well, apples aren’t so bad. Sure, they’re not candy, but they’re pretty good, especially in the fall.‘

Well take a closer look you vassals of the Man-lord. Because that’s no ordinary apple. It’s A GRANNY SMITH!!!

Ohhhhh no. No he didn’t. Now The Man starts to take notice. He begins to tremble. The impossible has become possible, the insane has just become reality.

‘But wait’ he says, nervously. His eyes dart back and forth as saliva slowly begins to collect in the corner of his mouth. ‘You could always caramelize the apple, even a granny smith! Put some m&m’s on top too!’

Well…I guess you could. I never thought of that. Alright The Man, you win. I concede. I will quietly retreat back into reverence of you.

OR WILL I?!?

Because after delivering the apple, I may just reach back into my cauldron. And I may just pull out something else. Something so sinister you won’t be able to hold down the system-produced contents of your system-loving stomach.

Two words, slaves.

Dental. Floss.

I can see the spark in the eyes of masses. You all know it. Defeat is imminent. For years people have tried to stand up to it, and I will finally be the first to succeed. It’s all over.

You probably imagined it would come at the end of some long, bloody, war. Or maybe a series of violent acts of terrorism. But never, ever, did you imagine something so utterly mad. Something that defies everything The Man stands for.

I imagine that the kid will likely run home, crying. He will tell his parents what happened, who at first will detest me, then realize what I’m standing for. They’ll tell their friends and relatives. Word will spread. Apples and dental floss will spread. With it, the fall of the major cities. San Francisco, St. Louis, Chicago, Philadelphia, Los Angeles, then finally New York.

Across the world, civilizations will hear of this, and they too will fall. Even countries that do not celebrate Halloween. In all the town squares, markets, Wal-Marts across the globe, people will tell the tale of an American holiday in which people give candy to kids. And their eyes will open in wonder as they hear of the one man who stood up to the norm and delivered apples. And dental floss.

After the major governments and cities of the world crumble, civilization will begin anew. Things will never be the same.

As I write this I am filling my plastic witch’s cauldron. As I place the apples in, one by one, I seal the fate of humanity. The game is over, ladies and gentleman. Trick, or treat? I’m afraid this year, you don’t get a choice.