In a shocking sequence of events last night, Douchebag Steve moved quickly up the Florida coast, making landfall in the trendy Miami area of South Beach at around 11:48 PM. Locals had received little warning of the impending disaster, except for the post which the douchebag had left on his twitter page: “Hittin’ up downtown 2nite. Watch out @lebronjames, I’m taking my talents to #SouthBeach also.”
As the dust settled from a terror-filled night, it was clear that several hotel rooms, as well as a taxi and police vehicle had been laid waste to by the douchebag during its rampage. The wreckage also includes three pubs and countless marriages. Reports also state that a number of women are now pregnant, though it is unknown at this time if these mass impregnations are related to Douchebag Steve.
Meteorologists were at a loss when trying to explain the sudden emergence of Steve so late in douchebag season. “Typically by early October, most of the douchebags have passed through Southern Florida,” said climatologist Bart Smith. “The scary part is how they tend to arrive in packs. If I had been given more warning, I would definitely have left town in advance and given my wife and children specific instructions to keep them safe from douchebags.”
There is no word yet on weather Steve had been accompanied by a smaller yet more boisterous douche named Ted. The pair recently left parts of Puerto Rico and Aruba, both of which are familiar with douchebags and were able to handle Steve and Ted, in their wake. “Douchebags come through here all the time,” said San Juan small business owner Javier Ruiz through an interpreter, “Handling Steve and Ted was a hell of a lot easier than dealing with those annoying cruise passengers. Those people make me sick.”
Heavy, well-built dykes that were supposed to slow the advance of Steve now appear to have suffered structural as well as emotional damage. Adding insult to injury, one waitress at McNamara’s Bar & Grill claims to have been “smacked in the [expletive]” by Steve. “I mean, next time I’ll be more prepared,” said the waitress, who requested not to be named.
The FEMA website lists several tips for preparing for the catastrophic events which occured last night, including “placing sandbags in ones car, locking oneself in a basement or underground shelter with plenty of food and water,” and lastly, “refusing to serve douchebags alcohol.”
Experts, as well as the douchebag’s ex-girlfriend Chloe have stated today that as he continues to move inland, Steve will be downgraded to a Category 2 Douchebag, and eventually a mere Tropical Asshole.