A Quick Look at My Inbox


As finals approach and the graph plotting the # day in the semester (x-axis) vs. my attention span (y-axis) begins too look like everyone’s favorite hyperbola, y = 1/x, it would probably be a good idea to check my email to see what people have been trying to tell me in a not-urgent-enough-to-call-me-but-just-important-enough-to-avoid-my-junk-file way. From now on I’m setting my spam phasers to kill, a phrase which can be found on urban dictionary just below the phrase “the Spocker,” which made me wish I could be mind-wiped. Oh, Leonard Nimoy, what a space douche. Anyways, let’s have a look at some emails I picked out at random before the writing of this column.

“Painting Over Racial Injustice: A Panel on Race in the Media”
FROM: College Student Announcements
Why I’m deleting this: What’s the best way to end racism? Alcohol and guns, you say? Well let’s pretend you said art. And of course, nothing says tolerance like debating the merits of specific colors in a work of art. For example, everyone knows that in a painting, red = violence, black = evil, white = purity, and yellow = excellence in quantitative reasoning. I delete this email out of protest! Also, the panel is part of a larger exhibit called, “Undressing Race,” which I assume is not a showing of “Undressing on Race,” a local porno set and filmed entirely on Race St.
Why this is important: The organizers of this event probably think it’s great I’m protesting their invitation, because that way I’ll be expressing my rightful opinion, or something democratic like that. You just can’t win an argument against these liberal academics like you used to. It’s like they only see the positives in what I have say.

“Gunman Issued at 11/21/10 4:00 AM”
FROM: Public Safety
Why I’m deleting this: In case I hadn’t been killed during the hour gap between when those guys drove a Cadillac into those pesky wooden stakes (as my middle school basketball coach would say, “Way to be!”) and when DPS actually told people there were men with guns on campus, the email…still served no purpose. Unless DPS is some sort of masochistic safety department (also an upcoming reality show on TLC), there is no reason for them to send me this email. It only makes me mildly perturbed, and you might find me somewhat unpleasant to be around when I’m mildly perturbed.
Why this is important: But if I had been shot, then purgatory is really cold. This is what I get for not devoting myself to Jesus that one time I fell into a bird bath.

“Penn Zorastrians”
FROM: College Student Announcements
Why I’m deleting this: Right off the bat, it’s great that in the subject of the email, they spelled “Zoroastrians” incorrectly. I mean, imagine what would happen if you spelled “Buddhism” without the “h”? Buddism, a religion worshipping the sanctity of man’s relationship with other men, or marijiuana with the goal of finding Nirvana. Okay, maybe that’s not so different from Buddhism. Additionally, the text is written in several colors, making it look like a ransom note. Who took the Penn Zoroastrians hostage, and if I come to your event and eat some kebabs and rice, will you let them go? Still, what kind of religion spells its own name wrong? One that certainly needs some PR help.
Why this is important: On the other hand, I never would have known anything about Zoroastrians at Penn if I had never received this email, so maybe they’re on the right track. Now I know that they are masters of reverse psychology. Or aren’t they?

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