I’m losing my patience. Nineteen years, nineteen long years, I’ve been asking for the same gift for Christmas, and every year, I’ve gotten Chick-Fil-A coupons and decorative spoons instead. But did I once complain? No, I just quietly continued on my way, reading Bibles to orphans and singing show tunes to nuns, hoping that one day I would be considered ‘nice’ enough to get what I really wanted for Christmas. After all this time, I’m tired of waiting.
I understand, you’re a busy man. You’ve got lists to check, elves to berate, and homes to break into. But couldn’t you indulge me my one simple, humble request? Because, honestly, I’m not asking for the world, or for something crazy like Spider-Man powers. All I want for Christmas is a dragon.
Don’t tell me you can’t do it, either. If you can sneak into houses without setting off the Sloman’s Shield and make reindeers fucking fly, then you can certainly give me a fire-breathing harbinger of death.
Not that I’d use it for destructive purposes, if that’s what you’re worried about. With my dragon, I’ll put out forest fires, rebuild New Orleans, and find Bin Laden. I swear I won’t use it to take revenge on all the people who have wronged me over the years, no matter how flammable their houses are. And I definitely won’t use my dragon to terrorize each individual member of the 1995 Dallas Cowboys.
I only ask that mine be the type of beast that can strike fear in the hearts of men. None of this Dragon Tales shit. I’m looking for razor-sharp fangs, claws, and a ten-foot wingspan minimum. Besides that, though, I’ll be thankful for whatever you can manage, whether it’s a wise Chinese Shenlong or a crazy-ass Welsh. Hell, you could even fuse some wings to a really big crocodile if you want. Just as long as it breathes fire. The fire is very important.
Y’know, when you think about it, there’s really no reason why I shouldn’t get a dragon this year. So, if you can find it in your heart, leave the dragon back behind the middle school on Christmas morning and I’ll rent a U-Haul to pick it up. And if you still don’t want to give me a dragon, I could always use Spider-Man powers.