Dear Prospective Freshman,
By being able to read this, you’ve just guaranteed acceptance into the class of 2015 at the University of Pennsylvania’s School of Hard Knocks. Your time spent in beautiful West Philadelphia will give you the cherished memories that will last a lifetime. Each of our specially tailored majors will have you working to earn the requisite 34 street credits by graduation. To get a taste of what Penn’s SOHK is all about, some of these majors are listed below:
Drug Production and Distribution
Through various entrepreneurship classes, the Drug Production and Distribution major allows students to establish themselves in the highly lucrative field of drug trafficking. The plethora of local internship opportunities provide students ample networking in an increasingly competitive field.
Domestic Violence majors leave the School of Hard Knocks with valuable information as they pursue careers in professional athletics and various forms of hired muscle. The rigorous curriculum covers techniques for hiding bruises, concocting elaborate alibis, and “makin’ sho that biotch don’t talk to no one.” It also provides a solid foundation for those wishing to sub-matriculate into a graduate-level International Violence program.
Punching, Pummeling and Extortion
PPE majors learn various problem-solving techniques as our gifted instructors rethink the historical emphasis on purely punching and pummeling. Assertive people thrive in this peer-respected program that was one of our first majors. Students will gain extensive experience with Crowbar™, Mace™, and GatLab™.
Bidness and Public Policy
Students who enter the Bidness and Public Policy major will learn all the basic bidness models, including but not limited to the “Sneak and Snatch,” “Blackmail,” and “Hold-up.” They will also discover the positive effects bidness can have on local poverty. Additionally, they will become better able to stay out of other people’s bidness. Lastly, BPUB majors will be able to integrate global policies and sustainability discussions into their decision making process.
You learn to think like a criminal. You learn how the legal system works. You learn how not to get caught. You also get good ideas for crimes.
At the School of Hard Knocks at the University of Pennsylvania, we pride ourselves on teaching valuable life skills to our pupils. Our students learn the value of self-reliance. Instead of treated, they get tricked. Instead of kisses, they get kicked. It is this incentive-based program that has led to our continued successes as one of the world’s foremost institutions in hoodratdom.
Frequently Asked Questions
What kind of admissions do you have?
We practice a rolling admission system. Stop, drop, shut ‘em down, open up shop. Ohhh… nooo, that’s how our admission rolls.
How are your study abroad programs?
Many students take advantage of our extensive Study A Broad programs through our partnership with Atlantis. While most students go there for a semester, some choose to stay for up to a year.
Do you take AP credit?
If you’ve somehow taken an AP class, we’ll give you credit.
Do you take transfer credit?
The School of Hard Knocks accepts any credit from Division I, II, and III colleges and universities. It also permits credit from community colleges, junior colleges, trade schools, and the vast majority of middle schools. No Drexel though. They suck somethin’ awful.
What is your financial aid policy?
Hey man, you got like 68 cents for the bus?
Man, I just need like 68 cents for the bus.
No seriously, don’t you have financial aid?
If you need money that badly, may I suggest stripping.
In conclusion, we remind you that Earl the Barber went to the School of Hard Knocks and he turned out OK. He’ll get your hair cut real nice. We are sure that with the SOHK’s help, you’ll be well on your way to pioneer like him.
A. T. Piskai
Executive Vice Dean