The fanatical protests which erupted spontaneously yesterday have continued this morning in the small town of Egypt, West Virginia. In the last few hours, the “corrupt,” “unfair,” and “annoying,” dictator known as “Mom,” has both acknowledged the popular complaints and refused to concede to their demands for a more democratic family. In a speech given not long ago, she could be heard to say, “This is not a democracy. We do things in this house because I said so.”
According to reports, chaos ensued following a series of sarcastic comments whispered at the dinner table, followed by the kids’ refusal to eat their “gross brussels sprouts,” do homework, or go to bed at bedtime.
Apparently, the tension had been building up for several weeks, after Mom would not allow the 11-year-old Chelsea to get a cell phone for her birthday. Sources say that Chelsea felt slighted by this, as, “Like everyone else at school has one! Marissa Jones has one and she’s only 8 and a half!”
Not only has she forbidden her daughter from having a cell phone, Mom has also recently begun blocking sites on the Internet, such as Facebook and Twitter. “It’s totally annoying,” says 13-year-old Britney, “because now I can’t complain to my friends about her in less than 150 characters.” She was later quoted as having said, “Like, ugh….”
Some, however have stated that their grievances with Mom go back even further. “She used to give us allowance for doing our chores and eating our vegetables,” said Britney’s twin brother, Kyle. “Now I take out the trash and she doesn’t even say thank you.” Kyle seems to have expressed his frustration last night by screaming, “I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!” followed by shutting and locking his door, though that is not usually tolerated at home either.
A few insiders fear that this eruption will be overtaken by the more radical brothers, John, 17, and Billy, 15, who have longstanding differences of opinion with Mom’s parenting style. John was not allowed to buy “that used car down at the dealership,” while Billy was forbidden from trying out for the football team. On those issues, Mom has said, “I’m just trying to keep you guys safe, because I don’t think you’re ready for those kinds of responsibilities. Do you know how awful I’d feel if you got into an accident, John, or if you got injured in a game, Billy? Do you want me to be in pain? Do you?”
Neighboring parents have expressed similar sentiments, and are hoping that this anti-parental commotion will not spread to their households also. “Events like this tend to have carryovers into other parts of the kids lives, both in class and in social situations. It may very well lead to unrest in other homes,” said social work expert Jeff McDonough.
As of press time, the kids were still grounded, and are now forbidden from going to see Justin Bieber: Never Say Never this weekend, though Britney has been heard to say, “Fine! I’m going to ask Dad if he’ll take me.”