Jews Finally Claim Responsibility for Pearl Harbor, JFK, and Carrot Top

JERUSALEM- Amidst centuries’ worth of allegations, The World Rabbinical Council recently declared their involvement in everything that has ever gone wrong. Ever.
“We did it. We did it all.”
A few of the disastrous happenings for which the descendants of Abraham claimed causal responsibility included: starting every war, assassinating John F. Kennedy, bombing Pearl Harbor, nuking Hiroshima, Carrot Top, killing the dinosaurs, stealing the cookies from the cookie jar, and farting in the elevator at work.
“It’s just a huge relief, a weight off my shoulders to clear away all the schmutz.” Council President Rabbi Menachem Saperstein addressed the crowd.
Many, like a man on the street who “can’t believe the Jews gave [his] grandmother diabetes,” are shocked by this Earth shattering development.
When asked why he chose today to reveal this information, Saperstein responded that he was plagued his entire life by Jewish Guilt. “I would always hear my mother in the back of my head saying ‘Why did you start those earthquakes? Don’t you have anything better to do with your time? Why did you shoot that nice boy Mr. Kennedy? And why do you never put the milk back in the fridge!?’ I couldn’t take it anymore!”
Reactions from the other religions have been stunned to say the least. In an official announcement, Pope Benedict stated: “Really Jews? Like really? Seriously? Like really Jews? Okay. Okay. But really?”
In a press release, Supreme Leader of Iran Ali Khameni seemed to be most concerned with the horrible production quality of the disastrous 2003 romcom “From Justin to Kelly.”
“You boys really fucked that one up. You had to milk Idol for all it was worth didn’t you? And you ruined that Guarini boy’s career in the process. This transgression will not soon be forgiven!”
Interestingly, Rabbi Saperstein’s announcement seems to have raised more questions than it answered as people have been wondering, “How long has this been going on for?” “What can we do to stop it?” and most importantly, “So does that mean Khan from Star Trek was a Jew? Did they even have Jews in Star Trek? I wonder what their Menorahs would look like.”
While this may come as a surprise to some citizens, many claim to have known all along. When reminiscing on the day when high school crush Juliet Bartolick awkwardly refused a party invitation, Christopher Calavano had this to say, “Call me crazy but I could’ve sworn I smelled lox and cream cheese on her breath.”
Mr. Calavano then proceeded to clap, wiggle his hands and yell “COINCIDENCE?” in an urgent tone.
Although it is discomfiting, Rabbi Saperstein’s revelations are also a relief, for now we are finally aware of the causes of life’s previously unsolved tragic mysteries. During the last highlight of the conference, the rabbi nonchalantly checked his Blackberry and added,
“Oh yeah, we have something to tell you about OJ’s wife too…”

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8 comments

  1. I really don’t understand the point of this article. There’s no joke. I’m not the type to complain about stuff like this, and if it was funny I wouldn’t say anything. But this is lazy writing and because of that it becomes offensive. I expect better from punch bowl.

    • I don’t know if the above comment is a joke or not. If not I would like to lay out the implied humorous content in a step by step format (like explaining arithmetic to a first grader) on the rare instance that your only comedic outlet stemmed from forced viewings of Two and a Half Men.

      1. You may not know too much about the history of the Jewish people Moses (what is that Irish or something?) but there have been a copious amount of frivolous conspiracy theories relating to Jews. e.g. blood libel, Mel Gibson’s claim that the Jews started all the wars in the world, The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, etc.

      2. Such claims are obvious bullshit.

      3. An article where the Jewish people claim responsibility for every bad thing that has ever happened (including such serious issues as From Justin To Kelly) takes such conspiracy theories to an extreme revealing how ridiculous they are.

      4. Revealing society’s bullshit through a fake news article may be considered “funny” in certain fringe societal circles, i.e. The Onion.

      There you have it. A humor column mocking a societal problem by taking it to an extreme. Who has ever done that before? (cough Sacha Baron Cohen, South Park, Larry David, practically every satirist known to man)
      You may never find me funny, but in case my outline wasn’t enough to allow you to at least “understand the point of this article,” THE JEWS GET BLAMED FOR A LOT OF SHIT THEY OBVIOUSLY DIDN’T DO. WHAT IF THEY WERE BLAMED FOR ALL OF LIFE’S SHIT?

      Sincerely,
      The Lazy Jew Who Wrote This Article

  2. This is an interesting paradox seeing as the article was clearly written by a Jew (Lance Wildorf basically has Jew stamped on his his non-existent foreskin). At once, we know that such is the case that the Jews are responsible for all evil in the world (Eve was a Jew). Simultaneously, we know that Jews are only capable of espousing lies from their Manischewitz- and Challah-filled mouths. This Jew, however, has apparently bent the laws of the universe since this must both be truth and lie. Perhaps we have stumbled upon the mechanism by which Jews are able to rip off so many intelligent, and not to mention good-natured, Christians.

  3. i always thought of this !!!! but i thought im crazy cause no one else thought it !
    but it makes alot of sense , since jews wanted the revenge and the onyl one could get them that is the US !

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