Dear Mr. Sheen,
I was reading my copy of the weekly magazine Ferris Buehler Cast: Where Are They Now? and I saw an article about what you have been up to since 1986…Wow! I mean, wow! First Platoon, then Wall Street, and then you played Charles B. Barkin in All Dogs Go To Heaven 2! Quite a career thus far, Mr. Sheen. However I also heard about all of the divorces, porn stars, and media blitzes. That’s what happens when you get a Tiger blood transfusion, Mr. Sheen. Sure, his genes will give you the ability to drive a ball 300 yards, but at what cost? Clearly it’s time for you to make a career change, and follow the path of Rupert Murdoch and Walt Disney. It’s time to found your own movie studio, and I think I have some suggestions for you to greenlight:
You and your porn star girlfriends get married and have to move to the country to avoid polygamy charges. Once you get there, however, you learn that you have much more in common with the locals than you thought. Yeehaw!
Tiger Blood Diamond
You know all those diamonds that are causing wars in Africa? Well now those diamonds are in your bathtub. Swim, Charlie, swim!
I Dream of Sheenie
Since you’re a warlock and all, this is a show that can showcase your magical abilities. You’ll be able to grant every wish on this show, except of course, “I wish Two and a Half Men was back on the air.”
Field of Sheens
“If you tweet it, they will follow. #VoiceofGod”
You’ve got twins, right? Well now’s your chance to give them their film debut. Heeeeere’s Charlie!
Not Another Sheen Movie
This film will satirize all of the different stereotypes of you when you were in high school: Martin Sheen’s son, the chain smoker who never attended class, the kid who dropped out of school at 16. At one point in the film, instead of turning a girl who’s a
loser into a winner, you will turn a winner into a bi-winner.
I hope you will take these suggestions into account when you form what shall be the most powerful studio in all the land. You have had such a profound effect on my life, Charlie Sheen. It is as if my face has melted off and my children are weeping over my exploded body. Thank you.
Tigerblood Rockstar from Mars McWinning Estevez III