Are you bored and restless? Are you looking for a scapegoat after getting a ‘D’ on your Chemistry midterm? And are you in the mood to overthrow a government or two? Then starting a revolution may be just the thing for you! But not so fast—before you go tipping over cars and mailing anthrax to politicians, you can use the tips below to start your revolution off on the right foot.
1. Load up on carbs
Never try to spark a grand social upheaval on an empty stomach. A big old plate of pasta will keep you energized while you’re lobbing grenades and running away from the armed forces. And if you’re feeling really “revolutionary,”1 throw some cheese and vegetables on your pasta! Don’t be afraid to share, either. Your confederates will be less likely to challenge your authority if you keep them well-fed.
2. Keep plenty of alcohol
Alcohol is one of the most integral tools in the revolutionists’ toolkit. Whether you’re making Molotov cocktails, cleaning your wounds, or pouring out two fingers of Jose Cuervo to wash away your doubts about this whole revolution thing, alcohol will be your third most-important liquid.2
3. Always overestimate when planning your budget for pitchforks and torches
There’s nothing more embarrassing than fighting your way up to the capitol building and realizing at the last minute that only half of you have pitchforks and torches. An unruly mob without the right equipment is like a big old plate of pasta without tomato sauce.3
4. Make a “Revolution Playlist” in your iTunes
As Limp Bizkit found out the hard way, a revolution can’t get going without good music. Savvy rabble-rousers inspire their confederates using music like “Bombtrack” by Rage Against the Machine, “Street Fighting Man” by the Rolling Stones, and any song by the Clash.4 But you should get creative, too! Songs like “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” and “The Safety Dance” work on wonderfully ironic levels. And it’s infinitely easier to get into a brawl with the National Guard while listening to “Fergalicious.”5
5. Embrace the crazies
If you followed the previous tips, your revolution should start gaining steam soon. When that happens, various conspiracy theorists, mental patients, and confused man-children6 will want to join your cause. Despite their instability, these crazies will inject some much-needed energy into your movement and provide valuable expertise in activities like screaming in public and lighting stuff on fire.
6. Learn from past revolutions
The French Revolution taught us that the guillotine is a convenient way to “ease a leader out of office.” The American Revolution taught us to never trust guys named Benedict. And Dance Dance Revolution taught us that timing and flexible ankles are of the utmost importance. More recently, we can see from the Libyan Revolution that if you’re staging a coup in the Middle East, you can depend on America for consistent diplomatic and military support.7 If you use the lessons from these revolutions, yours should go off without a hitch.
7. Be prepared for shit to get real
At some point during the revolution, you’re going to find yourself trapped behind a bullet-ridden desk with an AK-47 in your hand and a vest of dynamite strapped to your chest. Mentally preparing for this inevitability will help you survive and eventually take control of the lawless nation you’ve created.
Now that you know what it takes to start a revolution, there’s only one thing left to do: get working! With a little ingenuity, elbow grease, and semi-automatic weaponry, you’ll be well on your way to becoming the world’s next great despot.
1. See what we did there?
2. Numbers one and two being blood and orange juice.
3. Seriously, make some pasta.
4. Especially “Rock the Casbah.”
5. Fergalicious, definition: make them rebels crazy.
6. Glenn Beck happens to be all three.