Smurf and Turf

As we count down the months until The Smurfs movie, it is only natural to hope that all of our favorite smurfs will be featured in the film. The classics will all be involved: Papa Smurf, Brainy Smurf, Smurfette, Jokey Smurf, Grouchy Smurf, et. al. As for fringe smurfs – or frurfs – that will be in the film, newcomers Gutsy Smurf has already been cast. Another new smurf to see action in the film will be Panicky Smurf, much to the chagrin of mainstay panic specialists Pushover Smurf, Flighty Smurf, Weakling Smurf, Weepy Smurf, and Scaredy Smurf. With this decision, clearly all of the Smurfs –or Smurves – will not be in the new movie. Here are seven who are bound to get cut from the cast list:

Architect Smurf

When Architect Smurf built his first house, all of the Smurfs said, “Wow! I can’t believe he built a house out of a mushroom! How inventive!” Now, 254 mushroom houses later, the Smurfs just wish he would try an eggplant or a squash or something.

Miner Smurf

A Smurf with a Welsh accent, a passion for spelunking, and a candle attached to his head? There’s a reason why he has won the Most Insignificant Smurf Award fourteen years in a row. He’s an even more minor character than his cousin, Minor Smurf.

Sweepy Smurf

He’s the town chimney sweep, which is of course a necessary job, given the amount of soot that collects within a mushroom. Sweepy Smurf became a chimney sweep to capitalize on the success of Mary Poppins, but it turns out that dancing on roofs is frowned upon in Smurf culture.

Slouchy Smurfling

There is hardly anything more unappealing than a Smurf with bad posture. Slouchy, I don’t care that you used to be an adult Smurf who entered a time machine and became a young Smurfling again, fix your terrible posture. And get a job.

Alchemist Smurf

The most obsolete of the career-oriented Smurfs mentioned thus far. The toy of Alchemist Smurf pictured here is holding a watering can or genie lamp in one hand and a snake in a pipe in the other hand, because that’s what an Alchemist uses at work, right?

Reporter Smurf

The most obsolete of the career-oriented Smurfs mentioned thus far. He, along with his boss Editor Smurf, are trapped in a dying market. There will always be chimneys to sweep and mines to get trapped in, but, unfortunately for Reporter Smurf, everyone gets their news now from the Smurfington Post.

Finance Smurf

The producers at Columbia Pictures are still angry with Finance Smurf for talking them into buying some Smurfprime mortgages before the economy collapsed.

This article has been dedicated to Sickly Smurf. He never saw that train coming. Smurf in Peace.

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