Let's Lose This Game Like Men


Okay boys, listen up. We may be up by 25 points, but this thing ain’t over yet. Not by a long shot. Some people would say there’s no way we could lose this one. They’ll tell you we’re just too strong, too smart, too experienced. They’ll tell you this was just our time to win.

But those people don’t know that I bet $5,000 on our team throwing this game. Those people don’t know that if we give it everything we’ve got, we can go out there and completely blow this state championship.

I’m not going to lie to you. Your opponents out there, they’re weak. They’re a bunch of rag-tag misfits coached by a washed-up former player with a drinking problem. It’s gonna be tough to lose to these guys. But nothing in this life comes easy.

It’s gonna take apathy. It’s gonna take laziness. But most of all it’s gonna take cowardice. I don’t care what you’ve heard—every great team that threw away its one chance at eternal glory was full of yellow-bellied cowards, men who would rather lose than let their coach owe a bookie $5,000.

Sure, the other guys have terrible equipment, a weak bench, and porous defense. But you know what they don’t have? A coach who’s resorted to gambling on high school basketball games to finance his cocaine habit. And that’s why they’re gonna beat us in the second half.

Remember the tradition of this hallowed school. Remember 1971, when our all-white football team was upset by a desegregated school. Remember 1984, when our underhanded karate team lost to one boy and his Asian sensei. And remember 1994, when our junior hockey team temporarily moved to Iceland and lost to the now-infamous knucklepuck. All of those great teams sacrificed a place in the record books to help their coaches pay for drugs. Now it’s up to you to carry on their legacy.

This is your time. You know what to do. Lazy footwork. Poor sportsmanship. Stupid fouls. Now let’s go and LOSE THIS GAME!!

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