Things That Need To Change In College Sports: Part 9 of 12

by Irregular Sports Op-ed Columnist “The Spud” Isaacson

As you all know from the eight previous installments of TTTNTCICS, I’m not afraid to speak my mind about the blatant issues in the collegiate athletic landscape. As usual, this is an article that comes straight from my gut, and nobody can tell me that these opinions are anything other than truth. I call them like I see them. Get your hardhats ready for this week’s Duds from The Spud:

Losers of sudden death games will be put to death. Had this rule been in place during the BCS Championship game 2 years ago, Tim Tebow would no longer be in existence, and Kyle Orton wouldn’t be living underneath a hardware store in Pawtucket during the off-season.

Bowling balls need five holes. This isn’t the 19th Century, people have 5 fingers now.

They need to put basketball in a BCS format. Screw the underdog. Underdogs are like the “competitive” “sport” “of” “male” “diving”. Nobody deserves to watch something so pathetic.

The cocky bastards that win the DII and DIII championships will be promoted to DI for one season so they can be deservedly pummeled by real athletes. Serves you right for thinking you have talent.

Individual sports like wrestling and golf will be played while inebriated, because knocking people over and hitting things with clubs makes more sense when drunk.

All stitches should be removed from baseballs. It’s been hundreds of years, they’ve probably healed by now.

The winners of the DI Championships in Men’s Diving and Rifling will compete in the Most Dangerous Game.

An ultimate showdown will be created between bowling and fencing participants. And while bowls can carry hot liquids and cold liquids, my money would be on the fences.

In a fantastic hybrid cross between Steal the Bacon and college pep bands at sporting events, at every basketball timeout the announcer will call out the name of an instrument, followed by the musicians from each team charging from the stands to take part in a duel to the death. People need to know that Penn saxophones can destroy La Salle clarinets in sudden death.

The sport currently known as Squash will have to change its name. When our forefathers founded this great country of ours, they did not intend 1 word to be a verb, a gourd, and a sport. If they did, then I will pumpkin you in pumpkin with a pumpkin.

Oral Roberts Universtiy and Colgate University must play each other in hockey every year. Is there any better entertainment for these two hygiene companies than to watch teeth get knocked out? And while we’re here, Oral Roberts needs to change its name. I mean, I’m not gonna judge you Bob, but that’s not a top-tier college nickname. That’s a male diver nickname.

Alright, that’s enough truth bombs for this week. Next week I’ll be reviewing all of the worst animals that play sports (spoiler: there are male divers on the list! ha!) in Duds from the Spud: Air Spud!

*Editor’s Note: The author’s tryout for the male diving team ended with undesirable results prior to the writing of this article.

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