PHILADELPHIA- This afternoon, an estimated 500 to 1000 frustrated protesters plan to Occupy House Majority Leader Eric Cantor. The protesters cite rising student loan debts, government inefficiency, and the fact that Eric Cantor is just begging for it with that sexy American flag lapel, as reasons for the occupation.
James Mondicks, leader of Stonekey Progress warned not to “let common perceptions fool you. Everyone could contribute to occupying Eric Cantor in his or her own way. The media gives everyone this close-minded view that there’s only one way to occupy another man. We at the Occupy Movement think that’s a load of bologna. For instance, you could Occupy Eric Cantor on your morning trip to Starbucks. You could Occupy Eric Cantor while furiously blogging about change on your Macbooks. You could even occupy Eric Cantor while he’s busy keeping the American people occupied.” He paused to zip up his North Face jacket. “Practically every hole on Eric Cantor’s body is fair game to occupy.”
As for the location, Huntsman Hall serves as a perfect choice for the Occupy Eric Cantor Movement as whenever the protestors look at its bulging, unforgiving, monolithic presence they realize how much they want to “just Occupy the shit out of Eric Cantor.”
For potential female protestors who are worried about how exactly they could contribute to Occupying Eric Cantor, Mondicks says they already have that covered. Event organizers will be handing out baseball bats, broom sticks, and miniature figurines of House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi to help Occupy Eric Cantor.
The statistics are staggering. More than 99% of Americans have yet to Occupy Eric Cantor, an embarrassing figure for a country that’s supposed to be known for “sticking it to our leaders.”
Some people have different plans for the event. When asked why he was going to attend Cantor’s speech before the occupation, College Junior Lance Wildorf said, “Call me old fashioned but I just think it’s polite to listen to someone for at least an hour and a half before you go ahead and occupy them.”
Eric Cantor for one believes the Protests are “ridiculous” and “a waste of American citizens’ energy.” He went on to state, “I’ve never been occupied before in my life…except maybe that one time at Senator Heller’s bachelor party during the 80’s.” Shaking his head he sighed “Vegas.”
To more effectively spread their message, the Protestors have created a milieu of colorful and creative signs. An occupier wearing a suit waved a posterboard with the words “Eric Cantor Needs to be Aware of My Special Interests” written in magic marker. Another dressed in a Trojan War Outfit held up a sign reading, “Be Safe, Protect Yourself While Occupying Eric Cantor.” Finally, a third protester frantically waved a big black dildo in the air and started screaming, “LET’S PULL DOWN ERIC CANTOR’S PANTS AND FUCK HIM IN HIS DIRTY LITTLE ASSHOLE!”
The other two protestors dropped their signs and looking crossly at the man, cut him off, “Dude, that’s not what this is about. Don’t lose sight of the message.”