Sup bro, you know how I’ve been getting in the Christmas spirit lately, right? Well, yesterday I went and saw The Nutcracker at the Met. Sooo sick. Probably the best ballet I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen some good ballets. I know you’re gonna say nothing can top that production of Swan Lake we saw at the Kimmel Center. I thought so too. I walked in there, I was like, “Yo, this is probly gonna be ass. The director of this show has only done two other ballets, and they were both uninspired messes.” But I went in there, cracked open the Coors I snuck in, and DUDE. Blown away.

I mean, we thought Swan Lake was good? The Nutcracker shits on Swan Lake. This was like that time I convinced those girls from ‘Nova to have a threesome, but ten times better. Like, scale of one to ten? One being a high school production of La Sylphide where the dancers can barely even do a third-position glissade, and ten being the greatest ballet on Earth? This shit was a twelve. Easy.

And don’t even get me started on the costume design. We’re talking elaborate AND tasteful. Made those girls who were grinding up on us at the Stoplight party seem like scrubs. Not that there’s anything wrong with grinding. (High five). But once you’ve seen the Danish Marzipan Shepherdesses in full ornamental garb, a couple of Thetas in their bid night shirts just don’t compare. And DUDE. When I saw the Sugar Plum Fairy, I literally went insane. I felt like I was tripping balls. It was like when I ripped too much salvia, except this time I was getting high off the pageantry.  And a little bit of weed.

Dude, that ballet also got me thinking about Christmas. Like, yeah, it’s about the birth of Jesus, and showing love and kindness towards your fellow man, and all of that, but I think for me it’s more…and less. Like, maybe it’s a time to stop running around and thinking about what you’re gonna Tweet today and worrying about all of the bullshit. Maybe, just maybe, it’s a time to appreciate those little moments of beauty…a choir singing your favorite carol…fresh snow dusting the pine trees on Christmas morning…the innocent joy on a child’s face when they’re genuinely delighted by a present…turning off all the lights and sitting in front of the fireplace for hours, just being with the ones you love…and runnin’ train on them ho’s!!! Amirite? (High five).

…I kinda lost my train of thought, but the point is, you and me are totally seeing The Nutcracker next year. And we’re gonna pre-game hard. But dude, at the end of it, whether you’re getting schwasted on egg nog, or just playing flip cup with your extended family, I just wanted to say I hope you have a very merry Christmas, bro.