I. THE PARTIES: The following is strictly a two-party agreement between Tommy and Joey; all terms, provisions, and exceptions here stated are restricted to the two aforementioned parties.
II. OBJECTIVE: In this trade agreement, we aim to provide fair and equitable access to snacks both salty and sweet; to expedite the trading process in order to allow more time for the playing of Pokémon; and to prevent situations in which one may act un-cool.
- Negotiations may begin as soon as both parties have exited the lunch line.
- Both parties must present all snacks for examination to prevent illicit practices and the trade of inferior goods e.g. crumbled Animal Crackers, stale Oreos, melted Reese’s Cups, etc.
- No name-calling, unless one party is being really mean.
- Any major disagreements will be handled through the use of an arbitrator, Jimmy, whose wisdom and levity as a third-grader is to be respected.
- Trades must be finalized by a pinky swear, and witnessed and notarized by a third party. Anyone may serve as a third party, except for Bobby, because Bobby sucks.
- Once a trade has been confirmed, neither party may attempt to take back or give back the snack(s) that have been traded. Only weenies try take-backs and give-backs.
- Violation of any of these terms is a punishable offense. Minor infractions will result in one (1) wet willy. Moderate infractions will result in one (1) five-star style back slap. Major infractions will result in Indian burns of varying intensity proportional to the severity of the crime. All punishments will be administered by Jimmy.
IV. CONDITIONS & EXCEPTIONS:
- Third parties may be involved in trades, but as they are outside of this agreement, they must pay a tariff of 3 Jolly Ranchers, or equivalently, 2 Warheads.
- Girls should not be involved in trades unless all parties have received a Class III “Circle, Circle, Dot, Dot” cootie shot.
- The following snacks are untradeable, as they always seem delicious but are inevitably disappointing: Combos, Ritz Bitz with Cheese, Runts, Mike and Ikes, and Sno Caps.
- Tommy must tell Joey if any of the items he intends to trade have peanuts in them, as Joey has a peanut allergy and sometimes he forgets to check, and then if he eats something with peanuts in it he has to go to the nurse’s office and his Mom gets super worried.
Tommy and Joey