ATTN: ALL THOSE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE UPENN RECRUITING

THE FOLLOWING IS A LIST OF APPROVED INTERVIEW METHODS OR TASKS TO BE EMPLOYED DURING THE UPCOMING WEEKS

#1:THREE PANTSUIT-LEGGED RACE: TO BE USED WHEN FEMALE CANDIDATES ARE COMPETING FOR THE COVETED “FEMALE INTERN” POSITION. BUY NICE PANTSUIT AT MACY’S. ASK THEM TO PAIR UP AND RACE ACROSS HUNTSMAN G FLOOR. ONE OF THE WINNING PAIR GETS THE JOB. CAN’T TAKE TWO.

#2: HOOP JUMPING: PHYSICALLY MAKING THEM JUMP THROUGH HOOPS. LEAPING ABILITY WILL BE A KEY ASSET IN SUMMER BASKETBALL LEAGUE. ALSO TAKE WORST JUMPER. PROBABLY PRETTY SMART.

#3: FRUIT-FLY FISHING: BRING THEM IN A VAN TO THE UPPER DELAWARE RIVER. BRING LOTS OF FRUIT TO CATCH FLIES WITH. THEN USE THE FLIES TO GET FISH. NATURE’S VERSION OF PENNY TRADING. REMOVE AND SLAP FIRST CANDIDATE WHO SAYS, “TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW. FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA.”

#4: TIE TYING CONTEST: HAVE EACH CANDIDATE TIE TIE IN 20 SECONDS. LOSE FOR OFF-CENTERED DIMPLE OR MORE THAN ONE. AUTOMATICALLY HIRE ANYONE WHO TIES THEIR TIE LIKE MERRILL HOGE. SEPARATE FOLLOW-UP FOR WINDSOR KNOTS. RESULTS MAY NOT END IN TIE.

#5: CREDIT CARD MIRROR USAGE: SHINY CREDIT CARDS IMPORTANT FOR PRESTIGE OF ORGANIZATION. APPLICANT MUST BE ABLE TO ADJUST LOOKS IN REFLECTION FROM PLASTIC. EXTRA POINTS FOR NON-PLASTIC MATERIALS, SUCH AS ANODIZED TITANIUM. NO SAVE THE WHALES CARDS.

THE CONTENTS HEREIN ARE TO BE VIEWED ONCE, AND THEN DISPOSED OF.

—MANAGEMENT