For a long time now, I’ve sat by and let all of you ingrates just laugh it up at my expense. All I ever hear is how my water-based abilities are useless, and how the power to talk to fish is pointless, and how I was the weakest link of the Super Friends. No, the Wonder Twins were clearly the weakest links. I mean, their power was to turn into an animal and a form of water. And somehow I’m a shitty superhero?
I mean, last time I checked, most superheroes aren’t perfect. Captain America’s basically a schlub with a sweet shield. The Hulk can’t even speak English. And Green Lantern’s weakness is the color yellow. I may not be all-powerful, but at least I could beat Spongebob’s yellow ass in a fight.
But I digress. The point is, I’ve had just about enough of these jokes about my powers. First of all, being able to talk to and control marine life is pretty sweet. I once made a giant squid fight a killer whale just to see what it looks like. Fun fact: it looks totally badass. And I can talk to dolphins too. Yes, they’re smarter than chimps, and they’re getting smarter all the time. Just last week they discovered organized homicide. By my estimate, we’ll be seeing dolphin gangs roaming the seas by mid-March. And you haven’t lived until you’ve commanded an entire school of clown fish to perform Les Mis for you. Not that I only use my telepathy for my own needs. You know why you don’t hear much about the Somali pirates anymore? I had them devoured by the Kraken.
That’s all without mentioning how I can breathe underwater and swim insanely fast. Every four years, you all freak out about Michael Phelps struggling to get through a couple laps. Please. I would have blown away all his records if I hadn’t accidentally kicked up a tidal wave at the Olympic qualifiers in Beijing. But you know what? I get absolutely no respect.
I mean, do you people even realize how many water-related disasters I prevent every year? No, all you ever remember is the little things I didn’t manage to stop, like Hurricane Katrina. Well, I’m sorry I decided to take a little personal time and go to my cousin’s wedding. If you’re really just going to nitpick my every little mistake and fault, maybe I’ll just retire altogether. I’m sure you’ll keep cracking jokes—just don’t come crying to me when the roving gangs of homicidal dolphins show up at your local seaport.