Apollo: Welcome to the High Holy Summit of Reality Music Competition. I apologize for the absence of the God of Music, but he had some urgent matters to attend to on Earth. I am Apollo, the former God of Music, and current undersecretary to the God of Music. I also control all of the bassoons on your world, but the secret immortal power of the bassoon is probably lost on you mere humans.
Jennifer Lopez: What’s a bassoon?
Ben Folds: Seriously, J-Lo? Wow.
Apollo: Moving on, I need to make sure I have a record of who’s here. The God of Music was not pleased when Kara DioGuardi missed the summit a few years ago, and we all know what happened to her.
[Everyone laughs heartily.]
Apollo: Alright, let’s begin roll call. Cee Lo Green?
Cee Lo Green: Sup baby?
Apollo: Ugh, gross. Paula? Paula Abdul?
Paula Abdul: Apollo I jus wanna say, you…you’re beautiful.
Christina Aguilera [singing]: In every single way!
Apollo [sighs]: Dude from Boyz II Men?
Dude from Boyz II Men: It’s Shawn, Shawn Stockman.
Blake Shelton: Aw, you mean that guy from Boyz II Men!
Dude from Boyz II Men: I’m not just the dude from Boyz II Men!
Apollo: Fine. Everyone call him Shawn from now on, okay?
Dude from Boyz II Men: Thank you.
Apollo: Alright, Simon? Simon, are you here?
Apollo: Simon you can’t just roll your eyes at me. Now I can see you, so tell me you’re here.
Simon Cowell [obnoxiously]: Fine. I’m here.
Apollo: Ok good. Also, I got off the phone with Hades a few minutes ago, he says he’s gonna try to revive Steven Tyler before the end of the summit.
Randy Jackson: That’s good to hear…Apollo. You know you’re my…Apollo…right Apollo?
Sara Bareilles: Huh?
Apollo: We added an amendment to our constitution at the last meeting, barring Randy from ever using the word “dawg” at the summit.
Adam Levine: I see. Brilliant decision, Apollo. I’m really impressed with everything you do, and I’d love to have you on my team.
Apollo: Adam you’re not on The Voice right now. Just relax.
Adam Levine: I don’t know about what Blake’s telling you, but there are no limits for your voice. I’d love to have you on my team.
Blake Shelton: Don’t mind him, Apollo. That’s just what he says all the time now. He can’t snap out of it. That’s why I think you should join my team.
Apollo: Oh god. Alright, now is there anyone whose name I haven’t called?
Ryan Seacrest: You forgot me, Apollo!
[More hearty laughter.]
Apollo: Ryan, you know you don’t belong here.
Ryan Seacrest: But I’ve been on a reality music competition longer than most of the people here!
Apollo: Ryan, please. Don’t embarrass yourself. Go wait in the playroom with Carson Daly and Nick Lachey.
Paula Abdul: Never stop believing, Ryan! I…I love you, you’re very pretty and have hair.
[Ryan Seacrest storms out.]
Apollo: Good, now that we got that settled, it’s time to get to the task at hand. You know as well as I do that we can’t keep pretending that all of your shows aren’t the same thing. Let’s face it, we only need one show.
Ben Folds: Do we really need any? We rarely find any real talent on these shows any more.
Apollo: Well, Ben, without your judge’s salary, you’ll have to go back to playing chat-roulette from a half-empty venue in South Carolina.
Ben Folds: Point taken.
Adam Levine: Great point, Apollo, and I think I can help you win this competition. I’d love to have you on my team.
Apollo: And we need to figure out what this show will be as soon as we can, because the God of Music is returning shortly.
Simon Cowell: Alright, how about this. A show where contestants are judged by current X-Factor judges like myself and Paula, but in addition we could have a judge from that other show, American Idol. For example, Randy Jackson.
Sara Bareilles: This just sounds like the first few seasons of American Idol.
Simon Cowell: Bareilles, you insolent cow!
Cee Lo Green: Hey, baby. Just relax.
Simon Cowell: Ugh, gross.
Apollo: Any other ideas?
Christina Aguilera: What about a show where we go across America in search of people to judge who the best singers are, and I could sing each week, and whoever says the best stuff makes it to the next round. Each week I could sing a song, and the best judges can make it to the next round, and the best judge can go on tour with me and tell everyone what to think of my show.
Ben Folds: Is she serious?
Apollo: Let’s hope not. Any other ideas.
Cee Lo Green: Yeah, baby. I got one.
Apollo: Ugh, gross.
[Door bursts open. The God of Music floats in.]
God of Music: Apollo! I found this host outside the door listening in. Do you find this amusing?
Apollo: Seacrest! I told you to wait in the playroom!
Ryan Seacrest: Nick Lachey wouldn’t share his Transformers!
God of Music: Silence! After a long day of sharing my music with the Earthlings, all I want is to relax in my golden beanbag chair and hear your solutions to the music competition situation. How shall we amalgamate these shows into one?
God of Music: Nothing? You fools! I expected at least some legitimate ideas. Nothing from you, Dude from Boyz II Men?
Dude from Boyz II Men: It’s Shawn Stockman!
[Lightning bolt, falsetto scream]
God of Music: Anyone else want to correct me?
God of Music: Good. Now who has ideas?
Christina Aguilera: What about a show –
Apollo: No, sir. No ideas.
Ryan Seacrest: Actually, God of Music, I have an idea.
[Everyone turns to Ryan Seacrest.]
God of Music: Speak, boy.
Ryan Seacrest: Well, what if we start the show by hunting down talent like American Idol, showing all the worst performances and the best ones. The Idol judges can pick who makes it to the next round.
Jennifer Lopez: Good start, Ryan.
Ryan Seacrest: Thanks, J-Lo. Then we can take the best performers and put them in front of backwards chairs, and the judges from The Voice can pick which performers they want on their team.
Adam Levine: Great idea, Ryan. I’d love to have you on my team.
Ryan Seacrest: Thanks, Adam. Then each week the remaining performers would start the show in groups, like the Apprentice or Survivor, and each group would be trained by the Voice judges and would have to sing an a capella song together, and the Sing-Off judges would determine which groups performed well and which didn’t.
Ben Folds: I like it, Ryan. Rock on.
Ryan Seacrest: Thanks, Ben. Then the performers from the worst group would perform individually in front of the X-Factor judges, and those judges would vote off the worst individual performer from the worst group, until there is only one competitor left. The winner of the entire competition gets a Sony Music Recording contract, a lifetime supply of bird seed, and a Mazda Miata.
[God of Music starts clapping.]
God of Music: Bravo, Ryan. A phenomenal idea…FOR A HOST!
[Lightning bolt, effeminate scream of confusion]
God of Music: Now if any of you actual musicians can come up with an idea half as good as that one, maybe we can find something to change to.
Apollo: Yes, my lord.
God of Music: Now, all of you. Sing my praises!
Everyone: All hail Skrillex! All hail Skrillex! All hail Skrillex!