Things Not to Say in Front of College Tour Groups

Do you remember what it was like being a pre-frosh? You just took the SATs for the second time. You almost ran out of your acne medication. You had to find a prom date on Craigslist after the girl you originally asked still recalled the time you said “erection” instead of “election” during a history presentation…Cause I sure don’t.  Years of repression and overcompensation in the form of that “that’s what she said” jokes made sure I don’t remember a bit of pre-college nerdom. Understandably though, the biggest part of any pre-frosh’s life is the college application process, a time when you get to choose which universities are lucky enough to send you rejection letters (Hey, by the way! It’s Wildorf, not Wildork… Go fuck yourself Yale). One of the best opportunities a college has to impress top-tier students is the beloved COLLEGE ADMISSIONS TOUR. This a chance for the applicants to objectively get to know Penn from a totally biased guide who knows to stay the fuck away from the bastions of squalor known as Hill and Sansom. As the college tour is a major selling point, the Kite and Key Society has kindly requested that people stop yelling these potentially off-putting phrases in front of tour groups:

  1. I’m so glad they finally replaced the rat meat at Commons with dog. Maybe next time we’ll finally get horse.
  2. One time I tried to use one of those blue light phones and all I heard on the other end was the Three’s Company theme song.
  3. The only things I hate more than minorities are minorities who go to Penn.
  4. You don’t even want to know where I’ve jerked off on this campus, man.
  5. Of course, the high rises are safe. Why else do you think that homeless dude chooses to sleep in Harnwell every night?
  6. No Caitlin! I will NOT pay for your abortion.
  7. Hey, I didn’t know they were shooting an episode of MILF Hunters on campus.
  8. I mean, yeah, sure those Smarties SHS gave me didn’t get rid of my ear infection, but at least they tasted pretty good.
  9. Not only did I have sex under the button! I had sex with the button!
  10. Obviously, I’m in a sorority. You think I just throw up after every meal for fun?
  11. Limp Bizkit. Fling. 2012.
  12. What the fuck is “The Daily Pennsylvanian?” You mean that stuff I use to clean up the puke in the basement?
  13. Sweetgreen is just like Ellis Island. If Ellis Island was filled with Jappy bitches who love overpriced salads.
  14. You think after the fifth time getting syphilis I’d stop propositioning Wawa workers…Nope.
  15. I’m not sure what’s more disturbing about the biopond, the amount of acid I’ve taken or the eight legged dragon with Gilbert Godfried’s face who lives there.
  16. Welcome to Penn. The only Ivy League school bordering a strip club.
  17. Yes. That is Ben Franklin, sitting on a bench. Penn students get drunk and piss on him, usually his face. Whenever you see someone taking a picture with the statue, he is sitting next to dried up frat piss. Yes, you’re right. We are miscreant fucks who hold nothing sacred, not even the founder of both the university we love and country we cherish… Say cheese!
  18. Riding SEPTA’s like playing Russian Roulette. Each time it’s over you’re pleasantly surprised you didn’t get shot.
  19. Welcome to Penn: Proudly claiming the most masturbated to President in the Ivy League.
  20. The only time I call Penn Walk is when I have to walk by the creepy Penn Security Guards who always hit on me.
  21. I eat at Taco Bell when I’m looking for that healthier alternative to the dining halls.
  22. Sometimes when I poop in a GSR it takes days, even weeks, for them to clean it all up.
  23. Why yes, I would in fact like some crack. Thank you.
  24. If your son gets in he should totally join a FRAT. You don’t’ want Billy to be a GDI do you?
  25. I’ve gotten so many blumpkins I can’t even enjoy a good ol’ fashioned blowey anymore.
  26. Hey, do you guys want a copy of The Punch Bowl?

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