My Dearest Children,
If you are reading this, it means my time on this planet has finally come to an end. Either I’ve passed away or finally convinced NASA to greenlight my Vacation: Mercury! initiative. Regardless, I wish to bid you farewell by coming clean on a few white lies I have told over my life. Please know, I only hid the truth from you because I love you all very much, and it was kind of fun.
First and foremost, though I have told you that our family hails from Costa Rica, this is not the truth. As you probably should have guessed by now (based on our skin color, last name, second language, and that photo of me as a young boy playing in the snow), we are actually Germans. I was born in Berlin, and moved to the United States after the war.
Speaking of the war, you know that medal that I told you my father earned for heroism in La Guerra Civil? That was a lie as well. That medal was actually given to your great Aunt Gertrude by the Germans for ratting out Anne Frank. You might want to keep that one on the down low.
Let’s keep this going. Samantha, I did not, in fact, like that spaghetti sculpture you made for me in kindergarten. Robert, I always thought you would turn out gay. Bimkubwa, you were adopted.
And though I always told your mother (may she rest in peace) she was the love of my life, my true soulmate was always Charlize Theron. I would have left your mother in a heartbeat if she ever returned one of my many letters. Speaking of, you can find those letters in the cassette box that used to hold our wedding video.
Finally, though I promised you I would provide for you after my passing, I will in fact leave all my possessions to the estate of Charlize Theron.
Well, this is sort of awkward now, isn’t it? Sorry kids, hate to leave such a sour last impression. If you need closure on any of these issues though, I would recommend talking to Marco from the gas station. He is, after all, your real father.
Aloha from the Sunspot Jacuzzis on Mercury Bay!