Starch Madness: And Then There Were Two…

The people have spoken, and they have chosen salsa and nature over yachts and ripples. Cape Cod Original put up a tough fight, keeping in the tradition of Boston sports teams (Editor’s note: Yes, a tradition associated with losing. We get it, staff writer, you’re from Boston. Get off your high horse and go back to your slightly smaller horse.), but they were ultimately defeated by Tostitos. Ruffles, an original potato chip favorite, lost out to Kettle Chips, which markets itself as a more natural chip, appealing to the growing health food trend. This final round will prove what America really wants: potatoes or corn. May the Cape Cods be ever in your favor. Here are the Final Four results:

Click to see the full bracket!

1) Tostitos Original vs. 3) Cape Cod Original

Tostitos Original wins 29-24

What a heartbreaking round! I think angels wept when they heard that Cape Cod Chips, basically a saint in the chip world, fell prey to Tostitos, a far inferior opponent. First, let me talk about the merits of Cape Cod Chips. They are crunchy but not overly so. They are delightfully salty but not overpowering. They come in all sizes and shapes (included those super folded ones – those are the best), making eating them fun and interesting. Just talking about Cape Cod Chips is making me hungry for them. Tostitos, on the other hand, are terrible. The classic chips always come in boring triangles, and they are way to big. If I’m eating chips, I want to be able to eat at least one at a time (if not more). Tostitos makes this impossible. Also, Tostitos are not good by themselves; they need salsa or guacamole. When have you ever heard someone say “I’m going to eat plain Tostitos.” I’ll answer that – NEVER, BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES BLAND CHIPS! Cape Cod should have won this round, but I guess not enough people agree with me. To those people, I say, “I hope you rot in a Hell full of stale Tostitos with no dips to save you.” – JS

At the start of the tournament, it was hard to imagine that Cape Cod Chips would make it all the way to the Final Four and take down Doritos Cool Ranch along the way.  Cape Cod is known for cashmere, schooners, and Connecticut family vacations, but not potato chips.  Where do they grow the potatoes?  Not on the beach, since the daily clambakes have infused the sand with infertile fish oil.  Especially not in the woodlands, where the soil is choked by a substrate of decaying condoms from private school kids sneaking off to have sex.  That leaves the ocean, but I don’t think James Cameron has invented aquatic spuds yet.  So, that leaves us to assume that like all American-branded products, they were produced in China.  So congratulations, Tostitos, you just beat Mainland China Chips.  May Dragon Emperor Lo Pan have mercy on your maize. – SK

One issue that hasn’t been raised yet in the championchip is the impact of condiments/sauces.  The question is, do you judge a chip by its own value alone, or do you factor in the potential mixing of cheese, salsa, lamb urine or any other of your favorite dipping sauces? Tostitos are a powerful chip, and one of their strengths is their versatility.  You can dip a Tostito in anything and it will probably taste great.  I once dipped a Tostito in battery acid and it tasted like hot pussy.  Yes, Tostitos are that good. To be honest though, would I choose a plain Tostito over another chip?  Probably not.  But evidently America has decided that you can value a chip by its mixer potential.  And I’m ok with that.  Next week we’ll see if Tostitos can go all the way, but for now, I’ve got a date with a nice bag of Tostitos and an old car battery.  Keep on snackin’ America! – JL

This was a pretty close competition, Cape Cod was winning at one point, but Tostitos prevailed, slightly to my chagrin. The chip is a simple snack, and Cape Cod pulls off simplicity better. However, Tostitos’ versatility makes it more popular, especially when it comes to making nachos for late night munchies. The two chips are so different that it is almost ridiculous to attempt to compare them, but both are chiptastic. – KS

Tortilla lovers and tater haters, your corn chip has risen. When was the last time you went to a party and thought, “Man, this party could use a big bowl of Cape Cod chips”? While I myself am not a fan of the creepy anthropomorphic bag of Tostitos that has infiltrated their commercials, I’d rather listen to that overly-peppy chip than an anthropomorphic version of a Cape Cod bag, which would presumably condescendingly ask me what life was like in public school. Cape Cod, get off the bus, this is your stop. Oh that’s right, you don’t take the bus because it’s filled with lower class chips and crazy homeless chips, like Fritos. Go forth, Tostitos. Go forth and claim your ChampionChip. – SP

2) Kettle Chips Original vs. 4) Ruffles Original

Kettle Chips Original wins 25-16

Kettle Chips ultimately won this battle of original proportions by a pretty typical score of 25-16. We didn’t promise everything in this goddamn tournament would be exciting and unexpected, ok? Two original flavors had an original match-up. Nothing to see here, people. Ruffles Original are the staple of every fifth grade sleep over and tacky office Christmas party. It has also been statistically determined that eighty six percent of people who eat Kettle Chips dress up like they’re in the nineteenth century and pretend the chips were actually cooked in a kettle. Seriously, couldn’t you people choose a more interesting matchup? Now I’m stuck writing about two of the most mainstream, typical, run-of-the-mill chips ever to enter my bowels. Move along. – NM

Ruffles was robbed in the semis.  Also, what in the Sam Hill is a Kettle Chip?  Due to an uncharacteristically high amount of turnovers and some questionable refereeing (at best), the far inferior Kettle Chips were portrayed to look like world-beaters. Not only have the Ridgebacks of Ruffle State been deprived of a well-earned shot at the title belt, but apparently, they’re playing wrestling now too. It’s a good thing too because I’m about to go all “Bobby-Knight” and chair the shit out of somebody. – AP

I like my chips like I like my condoms: salty and full of ridges.  So Ruffles might just be my favorite chip.  I mean, when you think about it, Ruffles are a marvel of modern engineering.  How did the chip scientists design Ruffles to so perfectly resemble corrugated roofing in shape, but remain so wonderful in taste and texture?  It must have taken years.  In the time it took them to design these chips, scientists probably could have stopped global warming or engineered a supervirus to kill all of those annoying flies at the beach.  But I would rather live in a world overrun by flies and melting ice caps than live in a world without Ruffles.  So let us celebrate this glorious victory and…wait, wait, what?  RUFFLES LOST?!  Un-fucking-believable.  I can’t deal with this shit anymore.  – RG

Polls for the ChampionChip end on 3/31 at http://www.facebook.com/pennpunchbowl

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s