Starch Madness: The Grand Finale

Click to see the full, completed Starch Madness bracket!

1) Tostitos Original vs. 2) Kettle Chips Original

Tostitos Original wins The ChampionChip by a score of 23-15

Well, it’s over. It was over before it really started though. Tostitos just had too much talent and not enough competition. Too much chip, not enough dip. They say you can’t teach bite, and this is one great chip. Well done Tostitos. Well Done. – AP

So, that’s it. This years Starch Madness has come to an end, and the Chip that took all the Salsa was Tostito’s Original. Let’s give it up for them; they had a great run, filled with upset after upset, close game following close game….wait. Tostitos crunched through every round. Their closest margin of victory was 29-24 against Cape Cod Original in the Final Four. They beat Baked Lays original 24-11in the Elite Ate and won 23-15 against Kettle Chips Original in the final. Tostitos, the most bland, uninteresting chip was somehow voted the best chip in the world? That’s horseshit. You guys really couldn’t have made it more interesting? I scrolled through these polls on my newsfeed for THREE FUCKING WEEKS to see the most boring, Mexican, half-ass of a chip run train on the bracket and come up victorious? No. The only explanation was that the bracket was rigged, or that we’re dreaming. If Tostitos wins in a dream, it doesn’t win in real life, but only if its not injured first…and then it can win in real life only if it’s woken up first, but only at the right time, and the real bracket is going on simultaneously and the chips get older, then younger then older again and…fuck it. It makes sense you’re not smart enough to get it anyway.

I can think of at least…three more chips that are at least as interesting and taste just as good as Tostitos Original. And none of those chips is Bugles. Because Bugles aren’t fucking chips.

After all the uproar over BugleGate, shit finally got real in this tournament. The Lays conference sucked overall, while some chips were just too Baked to function out there. It remains to be determined what the fuck Mesquite BBQ really is, why the hell people still buy veggie chips when there are actual vegetables that exist, and how many shrooms it took to come up with the combination of cheddar and sour cream on a baked chip. The Pringles man and his massive cock failed to advance past the Elite Ate, when its strongest member, Pringles Original, lost to Ruffles Original by three votes. After the loss, he shaved his playoff mustache and was subsequently allowed within 100 feet of schools and toy stores.

Eleventh seed Sun Chips Garden Salsa was nomnomnomnominated for upset of the year for their run to the Salty Sixteen where they lost to Pringles original by a couple of votes. Oh, and Doritos lost before the final four, which was a disappointment to apathetic people everywhere. That about wraps it up, thanks for voting and we’ll see you next year. – NM

!VIVA TOSTITOS! It was a long and vicious battle, and the path to the title is paved with crumpled aluminum bags, but the grease-shed has finally come to a close and it’s the Mexican Maniac standing atop the potato-podium.

There are many factors behind the victory, but most of it has to do with the support of la madre patria, Mexico.  Corn chip supporters launched a greasy-smear campaign against Kettle Chips, and the Tostitos logo was branded on every kilo of cocaine.  The tactics worked, and Tostitos’ win rocked Mexico like El Nino.  Celebratory riots ensued, with a few determined rioters even crossing the border to burn Taco Bells.  In fact, rioting was so bad, that it temporarily became the highest cause of death, beating out poverty, rattlesnakes, and yelling “GOOOAAALL!” for too long.

But there’s also a lot of positive developments.  The Mexican flag will be changed to an eagle dipping a corn chip in salsa.  Guillermo Del Toro has officially changed his name to Guillermo Del Tortilla.  Tostitos Chips will also compete in a Mexican knockoff of the ChampionChip, in which it will do gladiatorial battle against other Mexican icons, including the national soccer team, marijuana, and MTV’s Spring Break.  The live television event is expected to be watched by a record setting twenty-three people!  (And only ten of them have televisions!)

Ultimately, we should be glad that a grease-free corn chip won over the more conventional deep-fried potato convention.  I know chip enthusiasts will fervently defend their chips’ right to be greasy, but do they always have to feel like they have their own grease-membrane? There’s enough grease in a bag of Lays to suffocate a coral reef.  Some of these chips are so greasy that they’re legally classified as vaginal speculums.  Trust me, your blood sugar is still reeling from Captain Crunch’s victory in the original starch madness, the last thing your white blood cells want is a tidal wave of viscous liquid blocking your arteries.

Honestly, you don’t have a single good reason to not sub out your Pringles (which both look and taste like a can of tennis balls).  Yes, Tostitos are versatile with dips, but that also makes them versatile with food.  They go with everything, and are solid on their own.  To those who hate how salty they are, have fun tasting the salt of your own tears.  The best chip won, and it has no intention to be deported. – SK

Like a good deal of the Punch Bowl community, I was devastated when Cinnamon Toast Crunch fell in the Inaugural Starch Madness Finals to an inferior squad from Cap’n Crunch. I roamed the Earth searching for some semblance of justice, slaying all jolly old pirates with white mustaches that stood in my path. Finally, I found hope in a new year, a new starch, and a new bracket. Finally, after a year of waiting, it happened: the right starch won. Let us all raise our bowls of guacamole to a true champion, the winner of Starch Madness 2012: The ChampionChip…Tostitos Original. After watching its brother in arms Hint of Lime collapse in a near upset of Lays Sour Cream and Onion, Tostitos Original knocked off chip after chip in its march to the ChampionChip game against overmatched Kettle Chips Original. After Kettle’s stunning – albeit earned – victories over Lays Original and Ruffles Original, it should have just appreciated being in the Finals in the first place. Tostitos did not bat an eye once in this tournament, thrice posting convincing double-digit wins, including one of retribution against Hint of Lime slayer Lays Sour Cream and Onion. Cape Cod Original’s impressive Final Four run was highlighted by the closest match of the tournament, a one-point Cape Cod win over powerhouse Doritos Cool Ranch. This – coupled with Doritos Nacho Cheese’s Salty Sixteen exit against Ruffles Original – has made some analysts doubt the resolve of a once mighty subset of chip. In other words, get it together, Doritos. That was embarrassing. Sun Chips Garden Salsa made it as far as Doritos Nacho Cheese. However, if a shoemaker could forge a glass slipper to fit a chip, Sun Chips Garden Salsa would be the closest thing to a Cinderella. Tostitos would have taken them to the ball, and right before midnight their carriage would have turned back into Pringles Pizza. Of course the magical run of Sun Chips Garden Salsa ended at the hands of Pringles Original, a chip with a mascot that gave me horrid flashbacks to the Cap’n Crunch Debacle of 2011. Congratulations to the plucky folks at Sun Chips Garden Salsa for a strong showing, though I thought it was going to be either Herr’s Ketchup or Stacy’s Cinnamon Sugar Pita Chips making an unprecedented run. I’d also like to extend some gratitude to our fine, levelheaded voters. Congratulations to my cartoon-drawing buddy Jon, who voted on all 63 of our polls and won a well-deserved bag of the ChampionChip. It’s dedication like that which has sustained our people – those who like to yell about chips – for centuries. Now, our lives return to their normal state, one with less starch, one with less madness. One question remains: penne or wagon wheels? See you next year. – SP

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