Concerts can provide a variety of entertaining experiences, whether you’re seeing Skrillex and dropping acid or taking your daughter to The Wiggles and smoking some meth. But no matter how much you’re endangering your daughter, and no matter what kind of music is being played, you’ll find that there are usually 5 types of people at every concert:
1. The normal-looking guy who’s bored and confused
This guy’s a pretty average, boring person. He wears Old Navy flip-flops. He likes watching reruns of The Big Bang Theory. But somehow, through a series of strange circumstances, he randomly found himself at a Grizzly Bear concert, and now all he can do is smile half-heartedly, raise his hands during the popular songs, and keep checking his phone for texts. If you look closely, you’ll notice he’s not actually enjoying himself, but he’s doing everything he can to look like he’s connecting with the music on a spiritual level.
2. The girl who’s comatose because she had too much to drink
She took a little too long getting ready for the concert, so she didn’t have much time to eat, so she only had a Luna bar and half of the salad in the fridge, but then the guy she was going to the concert with wanted to drink, and he didn’t have anything but loads of shitty vodka, so…you get the idea. By the time the first band goes on, she’s reached near-Scottish levels of drunkenness. She’ll be the one up towards the front, swaying back and forth like a zombie and quietly nodding every once in a while.
3. The eager 35-year-old bearded fat guy
Weirdly enough, a lot of people fit into this demographic: first-generation hipsters who never got married, recently married hipsters desperately holding on to the vestiges of their youth, and guys training to be shopping-mall Santas. And though they usually block the view and smell like old bong water, these guys are actually great at concerts. They have tons of funny stories, and they’re usually pretty mellow after 20 years of hardcore drug use. The only risk is if the 35-year-old bearded fat guy takes his shirt off, in which case…
4. The guy dancing way too hard
At some point in his life, someone taught this guy that the only way to dance was to flail around like a scarecrow in a hurricane. You might think he has epilepsy, but no, that’s just how he shows that he likes this band a lot more than you. And there’s no middle ground; he either dances with 110% effort or he doesn’t dance at all. Even if the music is slow and placid, he intends to move like he’s trying to snap all the tendons in his arms and legs.
5. The Indian comedy writer who’s busy writing on his laptop instead of enjoying the concert
You know, that guy.