Why We Must Exterminate All the Platypuses

  • A platypus once stole a roast beef sandwich from my lunchbox
  • A platypus taught Fred Durst how to rap
  • Seriously, I really wanted that roast beef sandwich
  • A platypus slept with my prom date
  • Platypuses look really, really weird
  • The plural of “platypus” is not “platypi”
  • A platypus invented roaming charges
  • A platypus broke the curve on my Econ final freshman year
  • Platypuses are the reason they never show Hey Arnold on Nickelodeon anymore
  • A platypus co-wrote “Who Let the Dogs Out”
  • Mao Zedong was really a platypus in an elaborate costume
  • A platypus will turn you to stone if you stare directly into its eyes
  • Platypuses are conniving, money-grubbing, power-hungry schemers
  • The platypus is the cause of every major wart in history
  • Mount Everest is just Nepal’s attempt to get as far away as possible from the world’s platypuses
  • John Wilkes Booth was raised by a family of platypuses
  • JFK was assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald, but Lee Harvey Oswald’s best friend was a platypus
  • The platypus is a blight upon modern society, poisoning our minds, kidnapping our children, and having violent congress with our women.
  • The platypus is a crime against nature.  It is a venomous, egg-laying, duck-billed, beaver-tailed, otter-footed demon, bent upon sowing discord and disrupting Man’s most perfect quietude.
  • “Platypus” starts to sound weird if you type it enough times

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