Olympics for Normal People

July 27 marks the start of this year’s summer Olympics. Many people will try to find ways to incorporate the games into their lives. However, most of us are not Olympic athletes, so I have compiled these do-it-at-home Olympic competitions for the average lazy American[1].

Competition 1: How long can you go without changing your sheets?

Do your laundry and put clean sheets on your bed. Then wait, and see how long it is before you absolutely, positively need to change your sheets. The average American changes their sheets once a week[2], but many college students can go two weeks[3]. Predicted winner: College students who are not living at home for the summer, where their mom still does their laundry.

Competition 2: How many minutes can you spend on the Internet instead of doing something you’re supposed to be doing?

Minimum initial 30 minute requirement to participate. Anyone over the age of 40 need not bother attempt this task.
Predicted winner: The 13 year old girl[4] who posts a new selfie every day, along with a melodramatic lyrical status update about how lonely she is and how cruel the world is to her[5].

Competition 3: How many minutes can you spend pretending to text or email on your phone while waiting somewhere in public?

You’re waiting at a restaurant for a friend, who, despite the fact that you got there five minutes late, is running fifteen minutes late. You could just sit and people watch, or seem much more important and popular than everyone else by constantly typing on your phone[6].
Predicted winner: The loud, but secretly insecure person who needs constant validation.

Competition 4: How many donut bites can you eat when they’re just put in front of you?

You will be put in a room with other people, who you do not know very well. There will be an assortment of donut bites, and whoever can eat the most wins. The key to this is being sneaky and pretending like each donut hole is your first. If you don’t eat as many as you can until they’re gone, then you’re not normal[7]. Get out of this competition, you don’t belong here, weirdo.
Predicted winner: That suspiciously skinny blonde girl[8] who spends a lot of time in the bathroom[9].

Competition 5: How many glasses of wine can you drink before you spontaneously start singing “Call Me Maybe?”

Let’s be real guys, everyone is at this level after two glasses. HEY, I JUST MET YOU…[10]
Predicted winner: The frat bro who is secretly really lightweight.

Competition 6: How many M&Ms can you eat after they’ve fallen on the floor?

Which rule do you use: the “never eat something that fell on the floor” rule, the “5 second” rule, the “5 minute” rule, or the “dirt builds character” rule?
Predicted winner: The urban foodie who knows that, like the dirt on your food from the farmer’s market, dirt from the floor makes your immune system stronger.

Competition 7: How many bugs can you kill in a day?

Do you prefer drowning, frying, or squashing bugs? Do you prefer killing spiders, cockroaches, or ants? Do you take a weird satisfaction in hearing that crunch?
Predicted winner: Sid from “Toy Story.”

Competition 8: How much time can you spend contemplating if you’re weirder than most people?

The winner of this is the one who, when the question pops into his or her head, just shrugs it off, not caring whether or not he or she  just wrote about killing bugs or eating M&Ms off the floor.
Predicted winner: The author[11].

Happy Olympic feelings of insecurity because you can barely doggy paddle, much less butterfly! (But at least you can eat like Michael Phelps).

1- I’m talking to you, fatty.
2- According to a study by the author.
3- Those of us who aren’t having crazy sex all the time (I’m looking at you, engineers).
4- Did I say 13? I meant 18 year old.
5- Despite the fact that her house is worth a quarter of a million dollars.
6- Typing nonsense, then deleting it, and then typing more.
7- Scientific fact.
8- So clearly a bottle blonde.
9- We all know what you’re really doing in there, Cindy.
10- AND THIS IS CRAZY… BUT SING ALONG NOW, OR I’LL CUT YOU MAYBE.
11- Obviously I would only ever create something I would win.

 

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