It’s time. You have to sit down for this; its the moment you’ve been waiting for all day. It came at an unexpected moment, but your mental preparation has made you ready. It has arrived. You look down, slowly peel back the oversized blanket that it came bundled up in, and revel in the overwhelming joy that takes over. It’s beautiful. You made this. This is yours – it looks just like you. The soft, glowing, warm exterior, pudgy and soft underneath. You bring it close, smell its freshness, and take a bite. This is your burrito.
Recent, unreleased studies conducted at University of Colorado at Boulder show that there are eight definitive stages in the process of eating a certified Chipotle brand burrito. UC Boulder was chosen as the test site since students at the school consume the most burritos per hours of smoking weed than anywhere in the country, and at any given point 93% of the student body is “totally down for some Chipotle, bro”. We at the Punch Bowl have gotten wind of these eight burrito-eating stages, and we’ve released them here.
The craving stage occurs one to two hours before burrito consumption, and consists of an intense withdrawal from the subject’s previous Chipotle experience. It is almost always accompanied by either what subjects call being “totally baked” or equivalently having “an irrational paranoia of black people.”
The next phase of burrito eating is Preparation, which occurs once the subjects have made their way to the restaurant. During this phase, subjects try to pile as much filling into their burrito as possible. It is not uncommon for subjects to erupt in a fit of anger when the tortilla breaks during the wrapping process, spilling the carefully selected filling items all over the counter.
This, the shortest of the phases, occurs between the time of receipt of the burrito and first bite. Salivary glands contract, eyes grow wide, and heart rate increases. It is not to be confused with the more common source of these symptoms, “seeing a girl.”
The euphoria stage consists of the pure, childlike joy of satisfying hunger with the juicy infant-sized bundle of chicken-filled joy custom-built before one’s very eyes. As one subject noted, “nothing, absolutely nothing beats going Pac-Man on a burrito the size of your face”. This sentiment was largely shared by the rest of the group.
Soon after euphoria, however, comes doubt. After eating two-thirds of the burrito, subjects start to feel full and lethargic, and rate of burrito consumption decreases exponentially. Citing both mental and physical blockage, subjects overwhelmingly expressed hesitancy that they could finish their dish at all.
- Second Wind
Aside from Euphoria, perhaps the most uplifting phase of burrito eating is the second wind that follows Doubt. Subjects feel a rush of confidence in their eating ability, as if a tiny Moses has parted the Habanero salsa sea in their stomachs, leaving just enough room for the nibbled remnants of the burrito still left.
Almost immediately after the Second Wind comes Regret. The lethargy returns worse than before and is accompanied by many of the symptoms shared by users of Pepto-Bismol: headache, nausea, indigestion, upset stomach, and a citation for abuse of over-the-counter medication.
This one’s self-explanatory.