September 15^th 2012

Delta Iota Kappa Social Committee Minutes:

9:03 PM EST

Social Chair: Yo Pierce, what’s up, how was your internship? Stone Creek Valley right? That’s a big time ibank good job man- oh it’s not an ibank? Rehab?  Wait Blake, you’re writing this down? Oh shit uhhh friends, brothers, allies in frattery: Most of you probably know me as Chad McCourt, pledge name: Abstinence Pledge, but tonight I present myself to you neither as a pounder of Natty nor as the guy who hooked up with your girlfriend last summer (sorry Brad) but instead as your newly elected social chair. As social chair it is my sworn duty to come up with such high octane rΔΔΔgers (Secretary note: Deltas added for “maximum frattage”) that we’ll make Beta’s Muscle Milf party look like your grandma’s knitting circle.

1)     North Philly Woodser:

1. So I heard THEOS and friends (which is also the name of a kid’s TV Pilot I wrote about a bunch of Jew gargoyles decked out in scarves and deep vees) have these things called Woodsers which is like a date party where they chase drunk freshmen around a forest while fist pumping to David Guetta. Apparently Theos guys can only get boners when there are Owls around. Anyway, I was figuring we could do the same thing, but instead of in the woods it’d be a lot cheaper to SEPTA everyone to North Philly and just have it there. I got really lost riding my bike one day and saw this abandoned crackhouse that would be the perfect place for something like this. My friend said we could even use his ipod speakers. I think there are still a couple of crackheads squatting there, so I guess we’ll have to be kinda careful about what rooms we use though.

2)     Republican National Convention Theme

1. We’re already a bunch of womanizing, alcoholic, narcissists: This one’s a slam dunk.
2. I came up with a bunch of slogans: Tell me which ones you like best.

i.      18 to Shoot, 21 to Newt

ii.      18 to Smack, 21 to PAC

iii.      18 to own a Boat, 21 to Make Sure Minorities Don’t Vote

3)     Plain White Tees and Amputees

1. Gotta hand it to Mikey-One-Arm for this gem.

4)     Champagne and Shackles and Whips and Ball Gags and Giant Rubber Fists

1. This was actually Taz’s idea… For some reason he didn’t like the last Champagne and Shackles mixer. Why don’t you explain what you meant Taz? (Secretary Note: Taz explains)…Oh God. Dude? So that one time when you asked if I could be your spotter you weren’t talking about the gym?

5)     Pussy Bandit themed registered party

1. Well uhh this one’s cause I accidentally ordered like 100 Pussy Bandit t-shirts off Frattshirts.com #YOLO (Secretary note: Social Chair actually said the word “hashtag”). It’s okay though, I already told OFSA about it and they think we’re just having a party where everyone dresses up as Cat Thiefs (sic).

6)     Will Smith Mixer

1. Everyone dresses up like a character from a Will Smith movie. Then at the end, characters from the same movie get to go home together (Secretary Note: Euphemism for have sex)! Sick mixer. Oh by the way, Brandon and I watched this movie he rented earlier, Black MEN IN BLACK Men. Weird thing was, it really wasn’t about aliens. Come to think of it, I don’t think Will Smith was in it either…

7)     Formal at Chuck E. Cheese’s

1. CHUCK E.
2. FUCKING
3. CHEESE’S!!!!!!

8)     ΔIK OFSA Mixer!

1. So like I was asking myself. Chad? Why do you slay so much vaj? Why are you so smart, rich and successful? Why didn’t Dad wish you a happy birthday this year man? Do you think he forgot my birthday?…But then I was like why is OFSA always on our case when we’re just trying to get dangerously intoxicated, prey on innocent freshmen, and make poor life decisions? And then I realized! Of course OFSA’s gonna get pissed, we don’t invite them to any of OUR PARTIES! It’s easy as beating Mikey-One-Arm at flip cup: We bring OFSA to a rager, pound some beers, make fun of some GDIs and BAM, next thing you know OFSA will be playing Edward 40 Hands and taking bong hit like it’s 4/20 in the fall!

Well that’s all I got. If you guys have any more ideas e-mail them to me at ChadFuckedBradsGirlfriendAndSheLikedIt@hotmail.com. Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go to the Office of Student Conduct for trying to sell my Econ Prof a Pussy Bandit t-shirt…Farewell loyal brothers! May your steadfast resolve, lighthearted disposition, and proclivity for boat shoes guide your night’s activities. Most importantly, never forget our motto: Once a DIK, always a DIK!

Meeting concluded: 9:58 PM EST